Lady Gaga proves you can be weird without the hassle of being interesting.

I wonder how many pregnancies have resulted from the phrase, “We don’t have to do anything.”

Anyway, to make a long story short, God has chosen me.

I haven't seen it, but I have a bad feeling Fast and Furious 6 is not an accurate representation of the book.

With a little bit of apathy we can stop benefits and fundraisers in our lifetime .

Almost anyone's biography could be called: I Heard He Was An Asshole.

It's hard to find a Mother's Day card that isn't overtly sentimental. I'd like to find one that reads: "Hey, we all make mistakes."

Happy 2013! Can't wait to throw out the junk food and dig it out of the garbage in the middle of the night like a raccoon in a trailer park.

What doesn't kill you makes you a burden to someone else.

Guys who wear their wallets on a chain never have more than $5. The chains are just leashes to keep their wallets from biting other wallets.

My cat is asleep on my lap and he's so damn sweet I don't want to move. It's been five days now.

I don’t have a fear of dying. I have a fear of not dying.

At a restaurant and just poured the rest of old martini into new martini. The words "class act" come to mind.

All relationships should end in a duel.

Every time I drive by the billboard that reads: 'You can sleep when you're dead." I think to myself, "then what are we waiting for?"

Has anyone ever read a book of poetry from cover to cover? I think it's better than cutting.

I know "get up" isn't much of a to do list but it seems like a lot right now.

I had a vegan wrap or was it a toilet paper roll?

1)identify the problem. 2)discuss it on a talk show w/a dr. who isn't a dr. 3)accept bumper sticker advice. 4)go home w/Sea World tickets.

Skinny jeans make skinny people look malnourished and fat people look over fed. The worst fashion trend since the tube top.