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Thanks for adding me to a list called "Men I'd like to marry" with 312 others.
Makes me feel all special and that.
what's your favorite hobby? mine's pretending not to care about anything.
In retrospect, maybe using 'Always Try Your Hardest' as the motto when I started up The Impotence Society wasn't such a great idea..
What would you know about not knowing?
If only I could find an overweight 30 something year old woman with 5 or more kids just waiting for someone to hold hands and spend money.
My ex girlfriend's mood ring destroyed the Death Star
My body was once my temple.
Now it's more of a fixer upper and ripe for one of those home renovation shows.
People dislike people who don't swallow their opinion... In other news, I'm never invited to morning coffee with the other girls at work.
Sorry, Pilgrims, but until I start getting laid on the regular again, I'm not thankful for shit.
Yeah, I'm a vegetarian but I'd still choke your chicken.
I’m thankful for all the different ways I can eat potatoes
You're the enema bag of people...
Canadians are easily my favorite mythical creatures.
*snorts coffee grounds to feel alive*
Sometimes I'll take an Uber just to talk to someone.
*Slow-motion dives in front of you for the last slice of pizza*
Boss: We really need to stay focused.
Me: Sorry, were you talking to me?
you're no longer a reference point
Your wig looks dick flavoured.
I would have totally failed as a pilgrim.
There once was a man from Nantucket.. I am that man.. and this is my story..
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