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My Twitter crush and I were feeling a little too distant. My therapist suggested a couple's retweet.
(Oh my God.. I'm so sorry.)
You're not in love if she doesn't scare you in some way.
Twitter: because everybody else already knows you're an asshole.
Twitter is proof that women are funny.
Why are there so many pictures of Kenny Loggins in the Bible?
Dear Jack Daniels, I never woke up in jail from drinking beer all night... I'm just saying.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
As an adult I wish that "I just don't fucking want to" would be a good enough reason.
I wonder if Batman's utility belt contains a phone charger.
Just because you have a lot of tattoos doesn't mean you're not a fucking pussy.
Like my girlfriend always used to say.. life is like a box of shut the fuck up and listen to me when I'm talking to you!
15 years ago that annoying sound your computer made signing online was called 56k.. now it's called Dub step..
Hey ladies, public is not the place to practice walking in heels.
You know that you have reached adulthood when you start caring what your lawn looks like.
And on the 8th day God took a shit... and thus Detroit was born.
If anyone could DM me some Xanax that would be cool.
Sorry Twitter.. I also have a girlfriend and an xbox.
If masturbating is supposed to make you go blind I must be doing it wrong.
Diarrhea isn't any fun without the Taco Bell.
There once was a man from Nantucket.. I am that man.. and this is my story..