I get all my news from bathroom walls. THIS JUST IN: Metallica sucks and Sara is a slut.

I think having a daughter right now would make me feel happy and fulfilled. Especially if she was made of chocolate and cocaine.

I personally liked Lady Gaga better when she was Madonna. And even better when she was David Bowie.

When I was your age, Facebook was Myspace, but at least our moms weren't on it.

I'm inventing a shampoo just for men. It's called Manpoo. Oh, nevermind.

Ninjas are trained not to be seen. Drag queens make horrible ninjas.

The moral of the story of The Three Little Pigs is that animals are assholes and pork is delicious.

Real beauty secrets: Gently massage tequila inside your throat to give your face a confident glow.

The best thing about meeting strangers is the free candy.

It takes a long time for some people to be progressive. Slow and steady wins the racism.

A fart is just a hug that your ass gives to the whole elevator.

I didn't get beat up. I got fist bumped all over my whole body.

I like my sex like I like my death threats and news tips: Anonymous.

I'm not fat. I'm just in an open relationship with snacks.

Mo' money = mo' problems. Less money = even mo' problems.

My tombstone should read 1981 - 2008. I'm still alive. That's just when I died inside.

I hate working in cubicles. The walls are too absorbent. Not just for sound but also your soul.

In Australia, St. Patrick's Day already happened. SPOILER ALERT: You're going to embarrass yourself.

I'm going to smite my enemies. Right after I ask them what smite means.

Good Morning, Sunshine! What fresh failures are you cooking up today?