Damn. I forgot to masturbate before leaving the house. HIDE YO' HUSBANDS!

Do you ever ask a boring guy a question to be polite and 10 seconds in I TAKE IT BACK OH GOD SHUTUP I TAKE IT BACK AND HERE HAVE A HOOKER.

I decided to take a walk, then decided to keep on walking till I walked all the hate out. Helloooooo, Canada.

I'm drinking wine while eating grapes and raisins so Chis Nolan just hired me for Inception 2.

It's such a hoot when people complain that they look fat in a picture, like it's an optical illusion.

Have you ever noticed when you get the phrase "ass-to-mouth" stuck in your head how you need an exorcism?

If I don't make fun of it, it doesn't exist.

I dated him for the perfect ass and found truth in advertising.

I only think I need a man until I masturbate, and then I'm over it.

I just rolled my eyes so hard I broke a lamp.

Are people who are still alive supposed to haunt you?

Unscrewing the cap off this wine is the smartest thing I've done all day.

Gave up sex for Lent? Amateur! I gave up hope for Lent.

OMG you guys! Did you know you don't have to fake an orgasm?

You deplete me.

Although the idea is pretty cool, in real life I can rarely understand what they're saying during a rap battle.

Threatening to quit Facebook is the new threatening to run away from home.

I'm ignoring you so hard right now.

I have a concealed carry permit and no gun. Similarly, I also have condoms.

Sometimes I still miss you. And that's still better than the alternative.