Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Damn. I forgot to masturbate before leaving the house. HIDE YO' HUSBANDS!
Do you ever ask a boring guy a question to be polite and 10 seconds in I TAKE IT BACK OH GOD SHUTUP I TAKE IT BACK AND HERE HAVE A HOOKER.
I'm drinking wine while eating grapes and raisins so Chis Nolan just hired me for Inception 2.
I decided to take a walk, then decided to keep on walking till I walked all the hate out. Helloooooo, Canada.
I think if there was a way to tell each other who we are in one go, we'd all be just fine.
It's such a hoot when people complain that they look fat in a picture, like it's an optical illusion.
Have you ever noticed when you get the phrase "ass-to-mouth" stuck in your head how you need an exorcism?
Dear men: You're taking the "Always leave then wanting more" catchphrase too far. Way too far.
If I don't make fun of it, it doesn't exist.
I dated him for the perfect ass and found truth in advertising.
It's damn disappointing when a guy's dick overrides his sense of good plot and character development.
I only think I need a man until I masturbate, and then I'm over it.
I just rolled my eyes so hard I broke a lamp.
Are people who are still alive supposed to haunt you?
Unscrewing the cap off this wine is the smartest thing I've done all day.
Gave up sex for Lent? Amateur! I gave up hope for Lent.
OMG you guys! Did you know you don't have to fake an orgasm?
You deplete me.
People aren't rocket science. They're harder than that.
You're pretty funny but you have TERRIBLE taste in Retweets.