Multiple orgasms are a girl's best friend. Diamonds are simply an honorable mention.

The origin of the phrase, "you're shitting me" must be one hell of a story.

Wonder bras are false advertisement. One minute you see firm oranges, and then next you see fruit roll-ups.

It must be that urine is yellow and semen is white, so that men can tell if they are coming or going.

Child molesters make the best crash test dummies.

Yes, I'm against bullying. But I'm also vehemently against teaching our kids to be defenseless, whiny pussies as well.

Dear Cancer,

You're an asshole.

Signed,
Me.

You can't fix mean.

Dear women who refer to receiving oral sex as 'getting head': We are now picturing you with an abnormally large clitoral surprise.

It is my solemn duty to inform you that I plan to relieve your swelling without an active medical license.

Does the 'mustache means molester' profile apply to women as well?

Nice guys might finish last, but bad boys finish better.

I'm so jealous of men... Basically the entire world is their urinal.

My bra suddenly snapped into pieces tonight, breaking the actual underwire, from the sheer Double-D-ness bound within. Twin Powers Activate!

Shame on you, the way your pert nipples are pointing directly at me like that.

I taste of sweetness and never of shame. Come play with me, and whisper my name.

Too bad time with you is non-refundable.

Cosmo suggests I ball up my silky panties and rub them on your sac while I ride you reverse cowgirl. Who's putting those on when we're done?

The thought of going down on a hairy vag has scared me straight.

Being nude in front of each other couldn't be more honest. Except adding a cavity search...but that might be a bit much for that first date.