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When a girl says, "I think we should talk," it's never about Star Wars.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a whorehouse for a hug
It's too bad that Vagina's are attached to Feelings Monsters.
People who use a cart at the liquor store, mean business.
Tequila is the kind of drink that hits you so hard the next day you're calling in sick to places you don't even work.
Top 10 Things I know about Women:
1. They have Boobs
7. they like "The Notebook"
10. Never feed them after midnight
Smoking takes 10 years off your life.
Bacon takes 2 years off.
Drinking takes 8 years off.
I'm no Scientist but I should have died in 1893
Facebook: Amazing Day! So Thankful! I'm so blessed with friends and family.
Twitter: Day's over. Masturbated, got drunk, pills, killed a bum
God, I wish Judging people burned calories
No matter if it's a Blowjob or a Handshake, a firm grip & eye contact are important.
Do you think that God liked Saturn so much that he.....put a ring on it?
Too bad Vagina's are attached to Feelings Monsters
❒ Obama ❒ Romney ✔ Bacon
If you truly love someone.....let them sleep.
"That's So Raven" - Raven's parents Identifying the body.
Dear Taylor Swift, perhaps you're the problem. - Guys
If Cher ate Madonna and took a really big shit, you'd get ladygaga.
God, I wish Judging people burned calories.
Jesus woke up this morning with a huge resurrection.
Writer / Comedian / Former Toddler. I'm Klassy Fucker your new Twitter BFF. I'm a Mystery wrapped in bacon. @UCBTLA ALUM | For Bookings: email@example.com