"I don't even know what that is..." -Me, to my boss when he asked me if I was on Twitter

No telling how many times I've thought, "Meh, close enough"* while trying to find matching socks. *Also applies to my sex life.

"Do those skinny jeans chafe your vagina?" -Me to a dude wearing skinny jeans

Just picked up a Where's Waldo audiobook:


"Not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo"

Let me stop you right the fuck there, turkey bacon.

Neck tattoos: limiting career choices since the 1980s.

I'm all "why won't you love me?" and she's all "please untie me and let me go"

Today I have 299 followers. So not counting the video game and porn bots, that's about 6 real people that find me interesting

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but I have the ability to fake an entire relationship

"I'm sure your band is really popular with deaf people" - What I would say to Nickleback if I met them

"Maybe we're playing out this joke for too long" - No one on Twitter, ever

Every time I see one of you bastards bitch about your 49 star tweet, I masturbate using my own tears of self-pity as lube...

I hate it when the Dominos Pizza Tracker isn't working and I have no idea when I have to put on pants...

If you don't enjoy my tweets, then you're probably a moral, upstanding human being. WTF are you doing on Twitter?

It is inappropriate for you to DM me pictures of your boobs... (my lame attempt at reverse psychology)

Facebook: reminding me every day why we didn't hang out in high school.

"You look like you've got just the right amount of slut in you" is not an effective pickup line...unless it's your Twitter crush.

Nothing says "America" like "Hey, let's get REALLY drunk and blow shit up!"

Almost 25 hours since my head has touched my pillow and still no homicides. Sometimes, I even amaze myself.

Ladies! If my boobs are bigger than your boobs, I'll still fuck the shit out of you because I'm crazy desperate...