When I sneak out after a 1night stand instead of leaving a rose, I leave a pregnancy test with a note that says "Just in case".

Can you make Vodka out of items you can buy with food stamps? Asking for a guy who wants to quit his job.

If we fuck on the first date, can I call a you slut. I'm just kidding bitch.

Motherfucker just cut in front of me.I'm going to murder & torture your ass in 600,000,001 different ways in my mind.While I pout in silence

If I got sex as much as some of your fuckers talk about it. I definitely would not be on Twitter. *sigh*

Hi,I'm that guy standing next to u, givin u the blank stare while u struggle to open the door holding ur kid & groceries.They call me "Dick"

There should be a lane just for drunk drivers, so they can kill eachother.

Blow job + swallow = satisfied man who stays faithful..........Its not that complicated ladies

Finally saw one of my tweets copied and remastered. I Fucking made it!!!! I TWITTER FAMMMMOUSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

when I'm feeling gangster I wear my pants down to my ankles

I hate those post that say "re-tweet this If or re-tweet that if” FUCK YOUR RE-TWEET AND YOU, for filling my TL with BS. Sincerely Everyone

My favorite sex position is cumming

I try to think of reasons not to drink anymore, luckily I can't find any

If you smoke cigarettes with your kids in the car, you deserve to have your hands cut off.

wearing my shirt for all women that says "will spend all my money on you for your attention"

I swear no matter how many times I have sex I just can't get rid of these STD'S

Listen kid, trying to take a shit here,I don't need ur 6yr.old ass looking at me under the stall asking if I'm almost done. #awkwardmoment

If everybody jumped off the bridge would you? Fuck yeah, it'd make an awesome tweet. Maybe even get me a shit load of stars and re-tweets

I just love sluts with manners. They always no when it's time to leave without me saying anything.

I believe in the genocide of all fuck sticks who use the word "bro"