@Knots' (My name is Ed) most faved Tweets...
as I've gotten older, my weight loss goals have morphed from "Look nicer" to "Don't get Diabetes" -now I've settled on "not dying"
I think the gas station attendant was once a porn star. After filling up, he pulled out the nozzle and sprayed the side of my car.
Wearing only boxers, I went to the kitchen & scarfed down a honey bun. Or as fat comic book geeks call it, I "made love".
When we go somewhere new, the wife & I keep a mullet count. If we get to 10, we get the fuck out of there-
This rude woman makes me long for the life my Native American fore bearers had as members of the stabahoe tribe
Woman @starbucks is reading "Why Men Love Bitches". I pity her cold lonely bed & the endless packages of d-cell batteries in her nightstand
20 years later & the scars of the Berlin Wall have faded. The pain, suffering & humiliation of Hasselhoff's Berlin wall performance haven't.
when someone goes for the fist bump. I like to cover their hand with mine and proclaim that my choice of paper has won...
There's a kid on campus playing harmonica at 9am. I was unaware that "hobo" was now a major. I might take rail ridin' in the spring.
sex with multiple ladies is a classic example of a "sounds good on paper" scenario. srsly, who wants to wake up with TWO disappointed women?
Its easy to be a good father when you share interests with your kids. Good thing the girls like to go drinking & arguing about bond futures!
I have glitter on my shirt. I HAVE NOT been to a strip club, I have an 8 year old daughter. Repeat. I have NOT been to a strip club.
By telling me there is a Blink182 concert in my area, Facebook has proven to be an effective disaster preparedness system.
Investigating the dangers of vaccination. Also, fuck seat belts, lead free paint and toys too big to choke a baby.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night afraid I'm having a heart attack.Then I just burp and roll onto my other arm.
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