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@KnowShit
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Friends: 167
Followers: 650
Favs Given: 4,330
Favs Rec'd: 5,878
@KnowShit's most faved Tweets...
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If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be seen with you in public.
@
KnowShit
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Hey, guys. I've used 'perineum' in conversation at least 4x today. It sounds cool & makes me look really really smart. What does it mean?
@
KnowShit
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Whenever someone says to me 'Take a walk in my shoes', I silently pray they're not wearing Crocs.
@
KnowShit
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By this time tomorrow night, we'll know who all the Emmy winners are.
I can barely contain my indifference.
@
KnowShit
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Just won a heated argument with my wife by blowing things into proportion.
@
KnowShit
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At the airport and just learned Southwest is now charging extra for emotional baggage.
This trip is gonna be expensive.
@
KnowShit
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OMG you guys! My last tweet is only 91 stars away from hitting 100 on Favstar. Help put me over the top. Thanks! XOXO
@
KnowShit
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Whoever has been casting all the extras in my life story better start paying attention because no one seems to know their fucking roles.
@
KnowShit
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Bringing my Blackberry, laptop & cell on vacation was purefuckinggenius. If you know a good marriage counselor, just text, email or phone me
@
KnowShit
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It was 1am and I was drunk. How was I supposed to know the Ronald McDonald House doesn't serve Big Macs?
Sorry about kicking that door in.
@
KnowShit
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My kids begged for pet goldfish until I reminded them we already have silverfish crawling around the house that they don't play with.
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KnowShit
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Corn dogs cover two of the food groups. So why the fuck won't my wife let me throw them in the grocery cart?
This marriage is a prison.
@
KnowShit
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Perhaps sampling everyone's lunches in the office fridge was uncool but I bet my anonymous 'Mmm Delicious!' post-its will be well-received.
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KnowShit
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Someone broke into our house earlier this week because there's no other way to explain how the DVR recorded 'So You Think You Can Dance'.
@
KnowShit
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Some insensitive prick left a box of adorable kittens on the roadside.
If I wasn't holding an espresso, I totally would've rescued them.
@
KnowShit
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After turning into the path of a speeding SUV, I thought blowing kisses to the enraged driver would help diffuse the situation. I was wrong.
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KnowShit
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I was just vacuuming the car when I found somebody's virginity under the backseat. It smells like wine coolers too. Weird.
@
KnowShit
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'Dancing With the Stars' announced 16 new contestants and once again Stephen Hawking is overlooked because he's too fucking smart. I think.
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KnowShit
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The shifty eyes on the neighbor's cat never really bothered me until I caught him in the backyard with bolt cutters and a lock pick.
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KnowShit
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I'm writing this tweet at a stoplight in a desperate attempt to avoid contact with a panhandler.
So far, so gMOTHERFUCKER.
@
KnowShit
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