If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be seen with you in public.

Hey, guys. I've used 'perineum' in conversation at least 4x today. It sounds cool & makes me look really really smart. What does it mean?

Whenever someone says to me 'Take a walk in my shoes', I silently pray they're not wearing Crocs.

Just won a heated argument with my wife by blowing things into proportion.

My 4-year-old just notified me that she's having a sleepover for her imaginary friend. Sorry, no fucking way. Not on a school night.

At the airport and just learned Southwest is now charging extra for emotional baggage.


This trip is gonna be expensive.

By this time tomorrow night, we'll know who all the Emmy winners are.

I can barely contain my indifference.

My kids begged for pet goldfish until I reminded them we already have silverfish crawling around the house that they don't play with.

Whoever has been casting all the extras in my life story better start paying attention because no one seems to know their fucking roles.

Bringing my Blackberry, laptop & cell on vacation was purefuckinggenius. If you know a good marriage counselor, just text, email or phone me

It was 1am and I was drunk. How was I supposed to know the Ronald McDonald House doesn't serve Big Macs?

Sorry about kicking that door in.

OMG you guys! My last tweet is only 91 stars away from hitting 100 on Favstar. Help put me over the top. Thanks! XOXO

Both of our girls puked today.


Wife thinks it's mild food poisoning but I think their little bodies are finally rejecting this Bieber kid.

Someone broke into our house earlier this week because there's no other way to explain how the DVR recorded 'So You Think You Can Dance'.

Perhaps sampling everyone's lunches in the office fridge was uncool but I bet my anonymous 'Mmm Delicious!' post-its will be well-received.

Corn dogs cover two of the food groups. So why the fuck won't my wife let me throw them in the grocery cart?


This marriage is a prison.

Some insensitive prick left a box of adorable kittens on the roadside.

If I wasn't holding an espresso, I totally would've rescued them.

I'm writing this tweet at a stoplight in a desperate attempt to avoid contact with a panhandler.

So far, so gMOTHERFUCKER.

After turning into the path of a speeding SUV, I thought blowing kisses to the enraged driver would help diffuse the situation. I was wrong.

Can someone please check on Cleveland? I'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time.