@KnowShit's most faved Tweets...
Hey, guys. I've used 'perineum' in conversation at least 4x today. It sounds cool & makes me look really really smart. What does it mean?
By this time tomorrow night, we'll know who all the Emmy winners are.
I can barely contain my indifference.
I can barely contain my indifference.
At the airport and just learned Southwest is now charging extra for emotional baggage.
This trip is gonna be expensive.
This trip is gonna be expensive.
OMG you guys! My last tweet is only 91 stars away from hitting 100 on Favstar. Help put me over the top. Thanks! XOXO
Whoever has been casting all the extras in my life story better start paying attention because no one seems to know their fucking roles.
Bringing my Blackberry, laptop & cell on vacation was purefuckinggenius. If you know a good marriage counselor, just text, email or phone me
It was 1am and I was drunk. How was I supposed to know the Ronald McDonald House doesn't serve Big Macs?
Sorry about kicking that door in.
Sorry about kicking that door in.
My kids begged for pet goldfish until I reminded them we already have silverfish crawling around the house that they don't play with.
Corn dogs cover two of the food groups. So why the fuck won't my wife let me throw them in the grocery cart?
This marriage is a prison.
This marriage is a prison.
Perhaps sampling everyone's lunches in the office fridge was uncool but I bet my anonymous 'Mmm Delicious!' post-its will be well-received.
Someone broke into our house earlier this week because there's no other way to explain how the DVR recorded 'So You Think You Can Dance'.
Some insensitive prick left a box of adorable kittens on the roadside.
If I wasn't holding an espresso, I totally would've rescued them.
If I wasn't holding an espresso, I totally would've rescued them.
After turning into the path of a speeding SUV, I thought blowing kisses to the enraged driver would help diffuse the situation. I was wrong.
I was just vacuuming the car when I found somebody's virginity under the backseat. It smells like wine coolers too. Weird.
'Dancing With the Stars' announced 16 new contestants and once again Stephen Hawking is overlooked because he's too fucking smart. I think.
The shifty eyes on the neighbor's cat never really bothered me until I caught him in the backyard with bolt cutters and a lock pick.
I'm writing this tweet at a stoplight in a desperate attempt to avoid contact with a panhandler.
So far, so gMOTHERFUCKER.
So far, so gMOTHERFUCKER.
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