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  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be seen with you in public.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    FredPollackfoodandwhiningjkramblesjadicandymarktiscareno____BurrisHarrisbigeasyElectricEmmy
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Hey, guys. I've used 'perineum' in conversation at least 4x today. It sounds cool & makes me look really really smart. What does it mean?

    • 142
    • FAVS
    FredPollackfoodandwhiningjkramblesknotwhole________ElectricEmmySacamanoBalphabetfiendMichael1979
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Whenever someone says to me 'Take a walk in my shoes', I silently pray they're not wearing Crocs.

    • 118
    • FAVS
    FredPollackknotwhole________marktiscareno____SacamanoBMmeLaCroozalphabetfiendMikeSchismTweetapillar
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Just won a heated argument with my wife by blowing things into proportion.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    marktiscareno____ElectricEmmySacamanoBMmeLaCroozMikeSchismTweetapillarDearNooneAphrodyke
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Marielcitafavstar1000favs
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    My 4-year-old just notified me that she's having a sleepover for her imaginary friend. Sorry, no fucking way. Not on a school night.

    • 61
    • FAVS
    MotherHellfireClockworkHammerCircularRuineddaildvFussySaffaElfonzo_RhodesStarULongtime____Ak8s
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    GRPhillips24AviationladyNO_PeteHerejackoarooAk8sYouarelame2ColtonIverTaylorNPrice
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    At the airport and just learned Southwest is now charging extra for emotional baggage.


    This trip is gonna be expensive.

    • 98
    • FAVS
    davio1962knotwhole________jadicandymarktiscareno____ElectricEmmySacamanoBalphabetfiendMichael1979
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    By this time tomorrow night, we'll know who all the Emmy winners are.

    I can barely contain my indifference.

    • 95
    • FAVS
    marktiscareno____ElectricEmmySacamanoBTweetapillarC0CK5TARIm_TriciaDavidKlein5PaulShakeySharp
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    My kids begged for pet goldfish until I reminded them we already have silverfish crawling around the house that they don't play with.

    • 80
    • FAVS
    knotwhole________marktiscareno____alphabetfiendMikeSchismDavidKlein5PaulShakeySharpTitty_Katz________down_to_stars____
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Whoever has been casting all the extras in my life story better start paying attention because no one seems to know their fucking roles.

    • 78
    • FAVS
    EignaOalphabetfiendTweetapillarC0CK5TARIm_TriciaDavidKlein5Titty_Katz________SkinnerWRX
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Bringing my Blackberry, laptop & cell on vacation was purefuckinggenius. If you know a good marriage counselor, just text, email or phone me

    • 75
    • FAVS
    marktiscareno____SacamanoBalphabetfiendMikeSchismsammie1272PaulShakeySharpxwholeheartedxdietredbull
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    It was 1am and I was drunk. How was I supposed to know the Ronald McDonald House doesn't serve Big Macs?

    Sorry about kicking that door in.

    • 73
    • FAVS
    knotwhole________marktiscareno____alphabetfiendMikeSchismC0CK5TARCrisselinSteele__xwholeheartedxdietredbull
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    OMG you guys! My last tweet is only 91 stars away from hitting 100 on Favstar. Help put me over the top. Thanks! XOXO

    • 70
    • FAVS
    marktiscareno____Whoopdeedoo22alphabetfiendC0CK5TARsammie1272dietredbullknotta_tardfandesignersays
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Both of our girls puked today.


    Wife thinks it's mild food poisoning but I think their little bodies are finally rejecting this Bieber kid.

    • 68
    • FAVS
    Ch8rmingNatiCabrera15alphabetfiendMikeSchismC0CK5TARBombayHeychdown_to_stars____xwholeheartedx
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    knotwhole________
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Someone broke into our house earlier this week because there's no other way to explain how the DVR recorded 'So You Think You Can Dance'.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    knotwhole________Whoopdeedoo22alphabetfiendMikeSchismC0CK5TARIm_Triciaxwholeheartedxdietredbull
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Perhaps sampling everyone's lunches in the office fridge was uncool but I bet my anonymous 'Mmm Delicious!' post-its will be well-received.

    • 63
    • FAVS
    alphabetfiendC0CK5TARIm_TriciaxwholeheartedxdietredbullWindBurn101______knotta_tardfandesignersays
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Corn dogs cover two of the food groups. So why the fuck won't my wife let me throw them in the grocery cart?


    This marriage is a prison.

    • 62
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22alphabetfiendxwholeheartedxdietredbullknotta_tardfandesignersaystnylgnCatherine3778____
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Some insensitive prick left a box of adorable kittens on the roadside.

    If I wasn't holding an espresso, I totally would've rescued them.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    marktiscareno____alphabetfiendMichael1979C0CK5TARdown_to_stars____xwholeheartedxeyeseeyouareindietredbull
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    I'm writing this tweet at a stoplight in a desperate attempt to avoid contact with a panhandler.

    So far, so gMOTHERFUCKER.

    • 59
    • FAVS
    knotwhole________Whoopdeedoo22alphabetfiendC0CK5TARIm_Triciadown_to_stars____xwholeheartedxdietredbull
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    After turning into the path of a speeding SUV, I thought blowing kisses to the enraged driver would help diffuse the situation. I was wrong.

    • 58
    • FAVS
    knotwhole________gone_underalphabetfiendC0CK5TARxwholeheartedxdietredbullknotta_tardfandesignersays
  • KnowShit
      KnowShit™ @KnowShit

    Can someone please check on Cleveland? I'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time.

    • 56
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22SkinnerWRXdietredbullGringoQuixote________DumbassadorLurkishTrainedHedonistSheBanggs
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    sethswaggerty
@KnowShit

@KnowShit

Contrary to previous assertions I've made, there is shame in my game.