My favorite animal is a tie between things that can eat chihuahuas and things that can crush chihuahuas.

I bet giraffes win every fight with "say that to my face!" and then just standing up super tall.

Hard to believe there isn't a movie called RobotCop

What happens in Vegas stays in your autistic child's photographic memory.

If I had to hunt someone for sport I would have a hard time choosing which sport to hunt them for. Probably tennis.

Ok, fuck rock, marry scissors, kill paper

I don't have the heart to tell The Rock that those "smells" he's talking about are probaby caused by a brain tumor :(

My grasp of the English language can be summed up in one word: disunderstandably

Danger is my maiden name.

I love making soup for the homeless. HAHA sorry OUT OF the homeless. Homeless people would only spend the soup on beer.

We're sending people into space and I don't even know where Old Jersey is.

@l0lzilla what about Jazzy Jeff hands? *mimes cashing unemployment check

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson gets a sex change and marries Sara Paper in my new show "Rock Scissors Paper"

Whenever I tell people what I weigh they're alway shocked cause they didn't ask and they don't know who I am.

Came up with a new product called 'I Can't Believe it's Not Scissors!". It's a stapler.

Together, we can make history a thing of the past.

"Takes Juan to know Juan" Juan whispered to himself as he entered the third straight hour of staring at himself in a full length mirror.

I would give my 2nd right arm to not be a freak anymore

I'm addicted to watching Intervention on heroin.

Everyone always mistakes my consensual sex van for a rape van