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While you're crying, would you mind chopping the onions?
The doctor says I'm depressed because I don't have enough iron in my diet so I've started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.
Tattoos are for life. I have one that says 'You will regret this'.
I just walked in on my girlfriend while I was masturbating.
My optometrist has the blurriest magazines in his waiting room.
Oops, I married the wrong person.
Looks like tonight's coitus will be just coitme.
One man's std is another man's std.
After I die I would like to donate my body to science, except for my balls. I'm sure my wife will continue to keep a firm grip on those.
It's possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Moses sent me an email from his new tablet, with ten attachments.
I fucking love it when you're all articulate and shit.
I used to love food, but I ate it now.
I'm looking out for the future me. My pension plan consists of hiding pre-rolled joints all over the house.
if it tastes like crap, you're not eating pussy.
Bukake is in the eye of the beholder.
A spoonful of heroin makes the hooker go down.
Sometimes I reminisce and then I look up the word 'reminisce' and realize that wasn't what I was doing.
If my mom should ask, we're all making money here, ok?
Demotivational speaker, in need of shoes. Undertakers dig me. http://t.co/tcJo5v8T
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