Sometimes I lose stuff that I didn't even know I had, like patience or my fucking mind.

While you're crying, would you mind chopping the onions?

The doctor says I'm depressed because I don't have enough iron in my diet so I've started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.

Tattoos are for life. I have one that says 'You will regret this'.

I just walked in on my girlfriend while I was masturbating.

My optometrist has the blurriest magazines in his waiting room.

Oops, I married the wrong person.

Looks like tonight's coitus will be just coitme.

One man's std is another man's std.

After I die I would like to donate my body to science, except for my balls. I'm sure my wife will continue to keep a firm grip on those.

It's possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

Moses sent me an email from his new tablet, with ten attachments.

I fucking love it when you're all articulate and shit.

I used to love food, but I ate it now.

I'm looking out for the future me. My pension plan consists of hiding pre-rolled joints all over the house.

if it tastes like crap, you're not eating pussy.

Bukake is in the eye of the beholder.

Thanks to twitter I'm now no longer funny in my own language. It's hard to do dick jokes in Dutch, everything already rhymes with 'penis'.

A spoonful of heroin makes the hooker go down.

If all the lights seem bright because of her, you're either very much in love or she still doesn't know how to work the fucking dim switch.