Do you still need a criminal record to immigrate to Australia?

Today is Human Trafficking Awareness Day. Please look both ways before dragging anyone across the street and shoving them into your trunk.

I hate it when I'm driving and try to spit out the window, only to have all the cum fly straight back into my face.

If you're gonna talk to yourself, might as well make it dirty. Odds are good you'll be able to score some action.

Blame Bush or Obama all you want, but it's not their fault. The world's in this mess because of Howard Dean & that stupid fucking scream.

Telling someone 'It's just business' is the polite way of giving them the middle finger and laughing in their face for having ethics.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. In case of worldwide famine, you can eat them first.

It's got to be the perfect mix of gin and juice, or you risk upsetting your toddler's tummy. #howtobeagoodmother

I always think of my ex whenever I smoke an ultra, ultra slim cigarette. Especially if its got traces of someone else's lipstick on it.

The Plenty of Fish dating site would be more interesting & have more to offer if its members were actually fish.

I don't know why bible thumpers are so against gays. God only said thou shalt not covet thy *neighbors* ass, so everyone else must be ok.

If someone you know is a metrosexual, please get them the help they need -- a plastic surgeon that knows how to attach a pair of balls.

Dear angry bible thumpers: Thx for the DMs! Believe it or not that actually *is* in the 10 commandments. You read the Cliff notes, didntcha?

Debarking is inhumane and cruel, and should only be performed on white girls who think they're black soul singers.

Always found it odd that you can buy hardcore porn vids at gas stations here. Guess it's safer to wank & drive than it is to drink.

I wonder if Pink ever regrets naming herself after a hair color she's hardly used since the days when she thought she was a gangster bitch.

These 48 hr deodorants are good, but I hope they'll create one that actually spans the full number of days I usually go without showering.

Scientists have named a horsefly with a golden arse after Beyonce. Pretty sure that trumps all the jokes I've got for today.

I hate when I break a nail and have to continue beating my sister's kid with my weak hand.

Men who pose w/ a leg propped up think it looks like they've conquered something. In reality, they look like dogs trying to pee on a fence.