The wife and I are trying get pregnant, I almost have her convinced that if we throw another woman in the mix we'll double our chances.

Point of Inquiry: Is it impolite to point out an uneven camel toe?

My dog ate a condom this morning...Try explaining that to the Vet as it's hanging halfway out of his ass.

Premature ejaculation is our way of saying you are tight, seriously.

I am not a betting man, but i'd lay $500 that says Kate Gosselin's vagina looks like a busted ravioli.

Can someone please explain to my drunk pregnant wife why it's a bad idea for her to text while driving.

Just had my car washed at a fundraiser for a local nursing home - For the record old lady nipples will scratch your car.

If it wasn't for my Uncle, I wouldn't have had my first handjob until I was 15.

I wonder if the girl sitting across me is wondering if I shave my genitals.

I find the best part about visiting my grandmother in the old people home is I don't have to hold my farts in.

Who's the White House to decide the pictures are too gruesome for me to see? I've seen my wife's vagina stretch to the size of a softball.

My dogs had to throw water on my wife and I last night.

My wife just told me the toilet water was cold...??? I hope she doesn't have balls.

Standing in an elevator with a boner, hoping the midget in front of me turns around.

The things I could say with 141 characters.

In a fit a passion "I'm about to cum, sounds a lot like Stick it in my bum".

My animal spirit is Natalie Portman's Beaver.

Just got my cock stuck in my zipper...Kinda looks funny with his wings flapping around.

I'd commit Twittercide, but the only person who would notice is my wife and that is only because I am annoying fuck. This keeps me quiet.

New advances in medicine - My Doctor uses his dick to check my prostates every month-He says his penis is super sensitive to finding cancer.