So is an abortion more expensive if you're aborting twins? Or is it just a one price kills all deal?

And then I thought, "What would Bear Grylls do?" So I pissed on my computer, built a raft, and sailed the fuck out of this office.

@piersmorgan @justinbieber You support everyone who's a retard because they make you look less like a retard.

You know the best part about snow? Drinking. And fucking. Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with snow. Fuck you.

Keep your inspirational bullshit on Facebook!

Going to work stoned because if you didn't want me to come to work stoned, you should have drug tested me.

Smoking a menthol weed cigarette. It's glorious. And I'm black.

THE FLOOR IS JUST A GIANT SHELF!

I don't think I'd want an authentic Cuban dining experience. It seems like it would be difficult to eat floating in a tire to Florida.

I just saw a black midget. A nidget.

My mother told me to read the Bible. I'm pretty sure it would catch on fire. I can't afford to burn my hands. I need them to hold my beer.

And then I thought, "What would Bear Grylls do?" So I took off all my clothes even though it was snowing, pissed on them, and ate a spider.

Why don't I have a husband yet? I love dick. I used to make sandwiches professionally. WHAT ELSE DO YOU MEN WANT?

True love doesn't wait. True love makes you cum, quickly.

Opening a satanic chicken restaurant that serves exactly the same things as Chick-fil-a but is open when you want to eat it.

There's an old, fat cunt at the Applebees talking about twitter. Time to delete my account.

It would probably be easier to find my soulmate if I had a soul to mate with.

Anyone who buttons their shirt all the way to the top when they are not wearing a tie is a serial killer.

AND NOW I'M AWAKE BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE WAS ALL MEOW MEOW MEOW LET ME GO FOR A WALK ON YOUR BODY AND TRY TO SIT ON YOUR FACE MEOW
MEOW MEOW

It's okay to eat feelings 'cause they don't have any fish.