How cool if my morning birds sang Acoustic Creep.

Told guys I work with what super power I'd like to have and now I'm downgraded to coach seats and have to eat with the nonunion extras.

I'm getting sympathy pains from not drinking. #headache

good luck heroes! big exped - stay safe and look after each other @walkingthenile

Turned out the chick with the bangin’ booty I brought home from the club last night was just rocking a super puffy diaper.

There is not enough ew in the world to express my feelings about this.  http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2013/05/michele-bachmann-has-inspired-sexy-romance-novel/65453/ …

Dog the Bounty Hunter should sponsor pills for people whose faces are over hydrated.

Dating Tip: Don't wear the "I'm with stupid" t-shirt until at least the 3rd date.

Photoset: Saiylor in “Skylight”  http://tmblr.co/ZNkfPylYe6Pr 

I pulled out a nose hair now I don't know math.

I don't know what a whiskey dick is but I sure do know what a whisker dick is *winks at neighbor's cat*

You'll never be as confident as a dude named Ashley wearing white shorts at a picnic.

I voted today. Now who's ready to fuck.

Told a coworker I had just gotten back from a vacation in South America. "You mean like, Florida?" he asked.

The tornado caused over $1 billion in damages. Fortunately, insurance companies are standing by, eager to deny your claims.

If you're bored sabotage all of your relationships then try to fix them trust me it's an exhilarating rush

This is embarrassing but what are shirts?

If you connect the dots on Morgan Freeman’s face then that’s assault, brother.

The fact that I'm old hit me when I realized I have a very strong opinion of why Heinz is the best ketchup.

At what point in exterminator school do they teach you to be creepy as fuck?