My Relationship Status And My Underwear Have Something In Common...They Both Stink!

I'm Coming Out With A 5-D Movie That's Capable Of Jack Slapping The Bitch Behind Me Who's Chewing Popcorn With Her Fuckin Mouth Open!

Was Talking To A Guy Today And He Fainted.So I'm Telling Everybody Some Guy Went Down On Me!

I Enjoy Getting Star Fucked Because It's The Closest Thing I Have To A Sexual Relationship These Days!

I Go Pantieless Whenever I Wear A Short Dress To The Club...That Way I Stay Firmly Suction Cupped To The Stool Until Last Call!

Being The New Kid On Twitter Is Shittier Than The Sump Pump In The Basement Of The Local Burrito Shop On Half Price Sunday's!

I Just Stubbed My Camel Toe On His Gristle Missile!

I Love Tucking My Pubic Hair Behind His Ears!

This Public Water Fountain Does An Awesome Job At Colon Cleansing!

Twitter Is A Pretty Cool Name For A Mental Hospital!

I Let Out One Hell Of A Sneeze & I Swear At That Very Moment My Ovaries And Butthole Resembled One of Those Pop-Eyed Martian Toys!

I Position My Kids Slip-N-Slide So They'll Bounce Off The Rock At The End And Make A Perfect Landing In The Thorn Bushes!

I Just Witnessed Two People Bumpin Uglies...By Uglies,I Mean Their Faces!

Told My Old Man He Was Getting Lucky Tonight.Little Does He Know The Phone Cut Off Before I Could Say Charms!

No Honey,There Isn't A Monster In Your Closet.However,If You Aren't Asleep In The Next 5 Min.The Demon Under Your Bed Will Steal Your Soul!

You Know Your Life Sucks When Even Storm Chasers Don't Show An Interest In Your Titty Twisters!

You Know You Have No Sex Life When You Get Pure Bliss From Eating The Crotches Out Of Gummie Bears...That Or You Have A Fuckin Sick Fetish!

Someone Actually DM'ed Me And Asked If I Was A Real Person...So I DM'ed Them Back And Told Them They Were A Real Dumbass!

To Raise My Hourly Wage,I Had To Lower My Pants!

Now I Know Why The Call Vaginas A Hoo-Hoo...I Can't Remember Who-Who The Fuck I Slept With Last Night!