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"Shouldn't I put on a condom?" "Nah, babe. I'll just shut it down"
Where my girls at?? Seriously, they are 2 and 4 years old, have you seen them
The time my dad stared at an empty email draft to a friend on his computer screen and asked, "Can he...see me?" will forever haunt my dreams
"Your wife's favorite thing in the world is-" *my husband flips card* "Real crime scene footage" *I flip my card* "Real crime scene footage"
Kinda messed up that you gotta pay for food. Just gimme the food
Glad no one can see inside my head and know that those 2 pizza slices I ate weren't enough for me. "She's totally satisfied w/ 2" they think
Romney totally sits alone in a room singing along to the Cranberries' "Zombie" but replacing the chorus w/ ROMNEY cuz that's what I would do
I wanna lose weight, but I know it's not for the right reasons ("freak everyone out," "fit into a mail chute")
I have a full sleeve of Oreos! It's my esophagus
I'm like that girl who goes on lots of fun dates and has had lots of fulfilling relationships and really understands men and herself
But in all seriousness the Internet has destroyed my life
Some farts were made to be heard-yeah that's right, I "make" farts-can't handle it? It's called life--must be this tall to RIDE
Oh, those mad mad men of thrones!!! Gosh I love TV. I'm teen
I don't know if I like this Mexican sleep-aid knockoff: También just makes me dream everything twice??
Saw a wig on the street but someone was already instagramming it. What are we doing with our lives
"America's ready for a Mormon candidate who also turns into a woman when splashed with cold water." -Romney 1/2, niche manga GOP frontrunner
I have spent a lot of years "trying to be cool." I will never get those years back so it's time to double down and really achieve max cool
Can't stomach the RNC. I prefer to get my delusional and dangerous magical thinking from O Magazine
If u found a box w/a picture of Anne Hathaway's vagina in ur dad's closet u'd b creeped out. The Internet is that box and we all have one
Yes hello, 911? I just passed a coffee shop called "Baguetteaboutit!" Yes, that's it, please hurry