If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.

Of course I believe you are God's gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

I sometimes think it might be cool to sleep with a guy on twitter just so I could read an honest evaluation of my performance in his tweets.

I still remember the first time someone gave me a RTand how good it felt. I'm still grateful when it happens, even if you have no followers.

My pharmacy now sells alcohol. Not only can I pick up my drugs and booze at the same time but I can get advice on what pairs well together.

My skin may not be as young and supple as it once was but I'm finally comfortable in it.

Good luck trying to get under it now.

I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. They are at least trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.

I love how the people who are quickest to demand respect are the ones least likely to give it to anyone else.

I don't know why people think the world is an unfriendly place. Every time I am out driving I get tons of honks and cute one finger waves.

Should I be concerned that some of you are starting to make sense to me?

The beauty of twitter is our ability to take beating a dead horse to an epic level.

Speaking the truth to someone may hurt them for awhile.

Not speaking it can hurt for a lifetime.

Very few people have humorous things happen to them. The trick is choosing to find humor in all the shit life throws at you.

If I decide to go the twitter meltdown route am I supposed to insult the people who follow me or the people who don't know I exist?

Whoever said,

love means never having to say you're sorry

wasn't talking about a relationship with a woman.

Hubby keeps asking me if he should have a bigger life insurance policy and I keep saying no.

Who needs that kind of temptation?

I swear, if you guys put 1/2 the wit and creative energy of your tweets into enticing a woman you would be getting laid all the time.

That love you take for granted and don't act on?

Trust me, it's always a limited time offer.

The Bible is like Dr. Suess books. Full of great analogies of life lessons but not something you want to literally live your life by.

I don't know that I would call twitter a social network. It's more like a clusterfuck, where everyone is screaming "pick me, pick me". :)