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I went out last night and met a gorgeous girl with the most amazing eyes. How she spotted me in that bush I'll never know
I saw a sign whilst in the hospital today. It read "Family Planning --> Use Rear Entrance"
Best. Advise. Ever
Today's date is 9/9...I haven't heard that since I tried to fuck a German girl
My girlfriend hates it when I use the word 'cunt'. I suppose she's got a point...I should make an effort to learn her mother's real name
Having a tweet RT'd by someone with no followers is like telling a joke to a repetitive schizophrenic
Don't you just hate it when you run down the stairs all excited on Christmas day then realise you're Jewish?
If I ever put my hand into a woman's anus, I would only use the finest lube and the most expensive latex gloves...because I'm so-fisticated
Snow is a lot like having a wank in the shower - at first it's nice, then there's loads of white stuff, then the floor ends up all slippery
My girlfriend asked me what I wanted for dinner, instead of giving her an answer, I accidentally said 'you've ruined my fucking life.'
Why do women keep telling me to go fuck myself?
If I could fuck myself, I wouldn't be sniffing their hair in the first place
I took a girl home from the pub last night and I ended up falling asleep on the sofa, I must have drank her drink by mistake
My girlfriend said if I don't stop acting like a child she'll leave me
..then she stormed off, forgetting to turn on my nightlight
I'm fluent in three languages - English, sarcasm and profanity
If Disney movies have taught me anything, then kissing a girl whilst she's in a coma is completely acceptable
Note to self:
When asked at airport security "Do you have any weapons?" DO NOT reply "What do you need?"
I like to think of myself as an office mentor at work, but others say, 'there's that prick' or 'what a weirdo', but I know they love me
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day
When my girlfriend and I have sex, sometimes she gets kinky and screams names like Dave
Which is weird because that's my best mate's name
Who said men can't multi-task? I can listen to my girlfriend moan and not give a shit at the same
A poor old lady fell over in the street today. Well, I'm guessing she was poor, she only had 86 pence and a bus-pass in her handbag