Retweeting = you're hilarious
Favoriting = you're hilarious but I don't want people to know I follow a weirdo like you

I think I’m at my hottest when I’m wasted and see myself in a bar bathroom mirror

Good girls bend at the knees, bad girls bend at the waist

If a guy is doing you doggy style he better have his hands on your ass at 10 and 2 ... Safety first

I love kids...But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don't let people touch my new iPhone

The people you need in your life are the ones that appreciate you in theirs

No one feels bad for you when you’re a shitty person. No matter how you spin your sob story

Apologizing when you’re wrong doesn’t make you weak. The fact that you’re too much of an ass to see that you’re wrong makes you weak

Dear woman that complain constantly about your boob size,

Men like boobs of all sorts !!

Ya know what men hate?

WOMEN WHO COMPLAIN

Why must every in invite extended to me include the phrase "Will you behave?"

I love being retweeted into the timelines of people that don't follow or like me. This must be how it feels to "cum on a bitches face"

When I'm screaming during an orgasm, it's your job to tap my throat so I make Indian noises

So the judgmental people at Sears don't like it when you sit on top of their washing machines set on high to test them

I'll swerve to miss running over a bunny but I will aim for a bicyclist

Naming your fantasy football team something awesome is more important than the names you bestow upon your children

A beautiful girl looks ugly when she’s with a guy who doesn’t appreciate her

I keep seeing a guy I knew in high school around my town, we keep avoiding each other bc I'm sure he also can't remember if we hooked up

Learning not to fuck where you tweet is the new not shitting where you eat

I don't care what your sign is... Just tell me what sports teams you support

You'd get sick of eating her every night and order out for pizza eventually. Just like shes started swallowing pills instead of you