Why do they sell Girl Scout cookies right before bikini season?

Feeling drunk off two glasses of wine is a congratulations on starving yourself today.

Please stop inviting me to your events on Facebook. ✋

Krispy Kream and vodka, it's what's for breakfast. @jessica_neeley @tayzlowenstein @melllly

Nobody gets the 'C U Next Tuesday' joke, which only makes it funnier.

Another one of my friends got engaged, and I'm over here like 'should I buy Christmas scrubs?'

I don't normally wake up in men's underwear, but when I do, he's married.

The amount of texts I have to ignore because I don't know how to tell a guy no when he asks for my number is getting ridiculous.

If the only day you post pictures on instagram is #throwbackthursday it's safe to say you got fat.

My patient told me he hasn't been able to eat for 3 weeks, then I made out with him. Hopefully it's contagious!

Happy birthday bfag @itskellyd I'll always have time for you! pic.twitter.com/XMpNQXHBp0

Check out "The Tayzia" on @aubdizzz! It pays to have pretty friends! :) #SHOPNOW #BABYGURLORIGINAL  http://etsy.me/VBnveG  via @etsy

My roommate just got home so I can now pop my first beer of the night. No one likes drinking alone.

My favorite part of going out is coming home and slipping into something a little more comfortable.

If turning 40 means you get to be married to Paul Rudd, I can't wait! #ThisIS40

"I look like shit 5 days of the week and shit the other 2." @tayzlowenstein

Looks like I'm not the only one: pic.twitter.com/Tlssznoe

#fullhouse RT @tayzlowenstein Fun size gurls night @melllly @kristinclifford pic.twitter.com/DlsVoUDE

My car doubles as a recycle bin for empty water bottles.

Happy birthday baby @mrtomhardy!😘