The only reason 9/11 happened is because Jack Bauer isn't real.

There are two types of people in this world: those who watch Family Guy and boring people.

Hey fast food employees,
Stop messing up my order. I mean, I will still eat what you give me, but just give me my correct fucking order.

It's awesome how Kim Jong II just died, because now we can tweet about him without the fear of being fucking nuclear bombed.

If you don't find Family Guy funny, I don't find you funny.

As teen pregnancy rates rise, I sit back and enjoy not being a pregnant teenager.

i've reached the next level of laziness, i'm no longer taking the time to capitalize letters.

Shaving is way too high maintainance, I mean, if you want to get laid.

So is it just me, or do Mexicans LOVE Hot Cheetos more than life itself?

People that spell succes like this usually don't have much.

I don't know if you all know this, but I'm really a 68 year old man.

Had a dream about Adam and Eve dealing with Eve's period. It was one hell of a mess. Thankful for tampons now.

Looking for a boyfriend that loves me and knows how to cook popcorn without burning it.

Going to local malls and sitting on various Santa laps is the most action some people get.

Everytime a button breaks, Kirstie Alley eats a French fry.

These Reeses Penis Butter Cups are delicious.

Incest is actually best, in attractive families.

Some say my worst habit is not giving a fuck, while others say it is my greatest skill.

I should probably get a job sometime. Twitter doesn't pay very well.

I've been offered many Starbucks gift cards on twitter, I'm starting to think I should have accepted them & given them to friends for Xmas.