A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Some nights (every night) i like to drink a glass of wine (12 beers) watch a documentary (porn) and relax (masturbate).

If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn't even have lights at the Super Bowl.

Dear Taco Bell, Can you please include people drinking beer and getting high in your commercials. Sincerely, your core demographic.

These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.

Don't mix with alcohol? challenge accepted

I like my whiskey neat and my women a mess.

I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.

I hate when I'm on the dance floor and all the true playaz get to throw their hands in the air and I have to stand there ashamed.

Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

Fun Fact- If you drink heavily every night till you pass out you never lay in bed worrying about anything.

I just saw two homeless people making out, I told them to "get a room" then we all shared a big laugh.

I wish I loved anything as much as drunk girls love taking pictures.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

When i was a kid all i cared about was pizza and Nintendo then i discovered girls and now all i care about is pizza and Nintendo.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes 8 minutes to microwave.

It's really hard to convince a cop you haven't been drinking when you have dicks drawn all over your face.