"@tequilatears: Every time a house phone rings, a grandma gets her wings."

@mrwordsworth. Xzibit just came.

"@krittyshitty: It's so cute when kids shut the hell up."

"@dukeofoyl: I tossed out my furniture, guess you'll have to sit on my lap."

"@countrockula: I'm 0 for 145 at pulling random books on people's bookcases and having it lead to a secret passageway."

@ohnoshetwitnt keep her following and lawlz at her lol

"@licoricenipples: Look, I don't care what you have heard but us fat people do get cold."

@montaukmonster1 gotta use sawing motions, man.

My pandora is playing "don't stop believin'" so if anyone wants to start a flash mob I'm down.

“@mansermatt: Moammar Gadhafi has been killed. Or as Fox News put it, "President Obama Puts American Forces in Libya Out of a Job."”

"@thetweetofgod: 31 exotic animals are roaming free in rural Ohio. Along with tens of thousands of rural Ohioans."

“@_odlanyer: I don't know how that got in there. *shifty eyes*

-Me, explaining half the music in my iTunes.”

“@kramediggles: How totally pissed would you be if someone tapped you on the shoulder & it was that dick Jafar from Aladdin” lmao

“@belatedbastard: I'm so hood that some days I have to look into the mirror just to make sure that I'm not black.” same her dawg

"@lisafarted: I'm starting to worry. My husband hasn't been very suspicious of me at all lately." I love this lol

Dear @thetweetofgod why the f did you make me so short, and seriously what is up with my pig nose? You are a dick!