No, you may not "axe" me a question.

I don't speak welfare.

I'm all for women being independent and doing guy shit but ladies, when a man holds a door for you - thank him.

Goddamn. I just came so hard my stuffed animals applauded.

I'd call you a pussy but you lack the depth and warmth.

If you can't beat it...retweet it.

I like to deepthroat a cucumber in the grocery store and proudly announce, "Yeah, that's big enough for my salad."

Killing two birds with one stone means rimming my margarita with blow.

Whenever I'm in a public restroom and see a pube on the toilet seat I get so grossed out.

Who the fuck has pubes anymore?!

If your mascara isn't running down your face, you didn't get his cock far enough down your throat.
Try again.

Farting in the tanning bed was not the kind of autoerotic asphyxiation I was looking for.

Too bad dryer sheets can't get rid of super clingy assholes in real life.

If Wifi and 3G were down I'm fully prepared to tweet via smoke signal.

Imagine my shock when I found out BDSM did not mean bacon double sausage McMuffin.

I wish my dealer had a drive-thru.

I wish I had balls but I'd probably get arrested for teabagging EVERYTHING.

Happiness comes in many forms. Smiles, touches, booze, orgasms, prescriptions...

"you've had your finger in my butt yet I can't fart in front of you?"

I printed out your avis, taped them to Barbie faces, and made my own Twitter soap opera.

With fuckloads of sex scenes, of course.

"Just the tip" is the equivalent of "just one line" or "just one bowl" or "just one shot."

Let's quit kidding ourselves and fuck shit up.

I'm most like PacMan when someone's meds spill all over the floor.