Canada, you should change your name to, "I’m with stupid↓" and on maps the arrow would point at America.

What good is my mental illness if I'm hiding it from everyone?

Can you believe it has been 5 yrs since Anna Nicole Smith died? I remember thinking the day she died, "I thought she already died."

I hold my balls to ultraviolet light for 30 minutes a day in hopes of someday having X Men babies.

I'm glad I live so close to a drive thru liquor store. My alcoholism doesn't have time for me to be running in and out of a store.

Hate is for stupid people and I hate stupid people.

A good friend is someone who will get you high when everyone else says you need help.

I wish I could live in the time when presidents had mutton chops. It must have been a fucking party back then.

The cops are going to be here soon. It’s time to take my shirt off. I don’t want to ruin it when I get tased.

I just finished shaving my scrotum ladies. Would one of you happen to have a first aid kit?

If you lived thousands of miles away from me you'd probably find me very attractive.

I've started licking doorknobs in hopes of getting sick and out of my easter commitments. Help me Jesus.

Honesty is the best policy until you are accused of a crime you committed.

It's not child slavery if you adopt them.

My tweets are layered guys. I need you to study them.

I was the worst suicide-hotline operator! One guy that I talked to who wound up killing himself had just dialed the wrong number!!

I would say that I get lost in the shuffle but I am really more like the joker that is thrown out of the deck before the game starts.

I would have made a great celebrity or psychopath.

Hey agnostics, obviously no one knows! Take a guess, pussies!

I always carry at least $500 on me so if I get robbed I don't seem like a piece of shit.