Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

Give a man a fish & he'll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That's weird" Teach a man to fish & he'll be all "Again with the fish?"

Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying

If one of my tweets offends you:

1. I'm sorry.
2. It won't happen again.
3. 1 & 2 are lies.
4. You're a pussy.

If you hold a Kardashian's vagina to your ear you can hear a professional sports team's locker room

Vick kills dogs= Prison.

Plaxico shoots himself= Prison.

Pretty white girl kills her daughter= Book deal, Reality TV show, Playboy shoot

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can't spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people

Have a gluten allergy? Talk to your doctor and see if shutting the fuck up about it is right for you.

Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic.

That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.

"It's nothing. Forget I said anything."

- Women. About 5 minutes before hell is unleashed upon the Earth.

So a Jew, a black guy and a gay guy walk into a bar and the bartender is all 'What can I get you guys?' because the bartender isn't a dick.

Mitt Romney is what would happen if Monday took human form.

Am I doing Facebook properly? pic.twitter.com/xCog0wyY

2025: Honey Boo Boo wins the Miss America crown by farting The Star Spangled Banner & celebrates by chest bumping Ms. Ohio & then eating her

If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, you've broken its spirit & it's now insecure & weak. It has been defeated. You won

Tribal tattoos are like Crocs for your skin.

"Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You're boring. I'm leaving... Jk I'm back. Hey" - Birds

Saw that Justin Bieber has 31 million followers. More than Obama, The Dalai Lama & The Pope combined. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

I'm giving up listening to Rick Astley for Lent.

Who am I kidding? Rick, I'm never gonna give you up.

Pretty disappointed that The Hunger Games isn't about Keira Knightley and Angelina Jolie fighting over a Triscuit.