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One of the best feelings ever is rising over the fucks who put you down. The feeling of realizing someone doesn't deserve you and never did.
I’m just waiting for the right person to come along and mistake my crippling pessimism for an attractive sense of humor.
A divorced person on a first date is like a magician watching a magic show.
Sex would be more fun if vaginas were like piñatas & candy fell out after instead of those baby things.
Sex is ten times better without condoms. But life is about 11 times better without baby mammas.
I never got any gold stars as a kid. That's why I'm here.
Fuck homophobes, you guys. Can I get 50 RTs now?
I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.
If you set fire to LMFAO they'll become ROTFLMAO.
Ladies, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.
The worst part about getting my hand stuck in a Pringles can is when I can't get it out because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.
The biggest relationship challenge I've encountered so far: She likes to do things.
I wish Harvey Dent was known as Two-Face for being nice to Batman in person but a total bitch behind his back.
State of the Union prediction: Obama walks up, clears throat, says "Shit cray", drops the mic and walks off.
Don't wanna sound racist or anything, but all M&Ms taste the same.
Just ate McDonalds after working out, which is the same as taking a shit after a shower.
Attention fellow white guys. We all look like fucktards with a straight rimmed cap. Curve that shit.
Behind every great man is a great woman telling him he's not as great as he thinks he is.
Having a family member with Tourette's isn't all that bad if you get a swear jar in your house.
Christians, now is a good time to masturbate. Jesus is watching Tebow.
I thought this was another dating website and now I'm super upset with what's happened so far.