I live in LA and I snatch oranges from neighbors' trees like a goddamn Showbiz Huck Finn.

My new year's resolution is 1280 x 800

Here I am, a Yoga Lady buying yoga shit at Nordstrom. 'Sup other Yoga Ladies, still truckin' and fuckin'?

November 1st, 11pm: Moms draw fun-sized wrappers through their teeth, scraping out the last of the melty nougat. No one sees.

LIVE TAPING of the Eric Andre Show happening soon as hell! Line up outside 1041 Mansfield ASAP to be part of our on camera crowd!

Always the bridesmaid, never the cake.

Hope my suitemate Ellie Goulding graduates on time. She is double-majoring in Paris Hilton and Skrillex.

According to photo captions, "perfection" is usually disappointing and always dinner.

"You can't teach great tits," will be my catchphrase as soon as I get tenure.

My true personality is winning and fun but I suppress it, having successfully monetized bad vibes.

We should all try to look at the world through the wide, trusting eyes of a 20-yr-old with a favorite Disney princess.

That Warhol banana is famous for what? Being too brown to eat but not brown enough for banana bread?

To roll out a yoga mat in front of someone else's often means, "Good morning. Soon I'm going to fart into your actual eyes."

Hard to worry about computers gaining sentience before the cast of Glee does.

Accidentally ate meat for the 1st time in years. Feel awful and nervous, like what else was that dumpling hiding? A tiny white supremacist?

It seems that what I say to myself when taking cookies out of an oven is, "Let's get these jazzies out of the hotbin."

Perhaps I am long in the tooth for someone who just learned "no handlebars." But these kids doing it have no sense of history.

Screamed into a box. Diorama of Boston.

I have a very "Sam and Diane" relationship with shaving north of the knee.

If my digestive noises aren't "medically urgent" I just round them up to "sexy."