Lunch tip: Wendy's now has mac n cheese. In case you're too lazy to make the only thing you know how.

Ex-wife says I can stop blaming myself for our divorce and begin congratulating myself for her happy new life.

Spent the night in jail. It's right next to a bakery!

Due to an unfortunate incident the Miami chapter of the Lonely Men Dining Alone Club has been disbanded.

Trying to be an adult and eat an oatmeal raisin cookie.

Sometimes I like to role play and pretend the waitress and I are having an affair together so we can't let on. #lonelinessisgodliness

The assistant manager at this Denny's says booths are reserved for parties of 2 or more, but I say I should be able to eat in comfort, DALE.

I weep on it. "@burgerking: How do you personalize your BK® order? By adding cheese or a different sauce?"

Can I diorama the wedding scene from Godfather? "@redlobster: Create your own Festival of Shrimp! Choose 2 for just $12.99! #tastyTuesday"

Nobody loves you when you're dining out.

Eating dehydrated pineapple. It fails as both a fruit and a candy. Why have they done this?

If it weren't for Hamburger Helper I would just fucking kill myself.

Listening to girls in Taco Bell talking about things they will pack for a vacation. And I thought the volcano taco was hot!

This breakfast bagel is obviously not fresh, so why did it take five minutes to hand it to me? Waiting for the bread to dry completely?

I told everyone this account was funny and then I couldn't think of anything.

Photos of blues harp players look like they're pulling their mouth off.

I'm trying to quit smoking after eating. Slower chews.

I'm hungry but I'm naked. What next, God, what next?

Guys. A girl is tweeting at me. Is this what love is like?

At the book store. Who am I kidding? I'll never read any of this shit.