Fuck you for making me tear up, cheerful swimming teen.

whomever dug this up deserves a medal #eastwooding http://t.co/6a9Xadn5

"It's not that big people shouldn't love themselves...[it's that they're hideous and no one else will love them.]" --Jenny Craig commercial

BTW, "party atmosphere" is code for "black people on the dancefloor." And they'll win "experience" every time. #FourWeddings

You got to see a dude's cock and there was chicken embryos. But you gave it a 3, because of the centerpieces? #FourWeddings

#MemoriesIWontForget is trending. Uhm, isn't the definition of a memory something you haven't forgotten?

@karenbergreen There wasn't a single Coke left at the grocery store (only vanilla Coke left), Bloomie would be so disappointed in us

To be considered a hero in America:
1) Witness something horrible
2) Do a TV interview

#FF Lifetime movie watchers @attemptedblog @thebrandi @emilie_says @roxxyrocketfire @zorbitor @playdatecrasher @themotleynews @lizzwinstead

I'm trying out this thing where I'm "leaving my house" and "doing stuff." So I'm at a restaurant on the internet rather than on my couch.

Atheist tweet: It's annoying when people ask that you pray for victims of Sandy. Didn't "God" cause Sandy? Religion makes no sense to me.

"If you're a teenager, now is the time to be fearless about fashion!" --lady on The View who was apparently never made fun of in high school

@artemisloud @gallowshumor7 YES!!! And somehow father's day is like, oh, hey dad, how's it goin'

Hilary Swank's litte bro: "My mom! She's...bleeeeeeeddddiiinnng!"
Me: LOLOLOLOL

Nancy McKeon fans, BABY SNATCHER is just starting on #LMN! Hm, I wonder what it's about...

Watching the Seacrest Kardashian interview. My only question is, why are Ryan Seacrest's lips so red?

. @bendreyfuss Who cares about the FBI! Do the Redditors have any new suspects? I only want justice if it's vigilante justice.

Never trust a mustachioed man in a Lifetime movie. OK, any man really.

Hayden Panettiere's new cotton commercial made me realize that I'd totally sleep with her. #mostlystraight

@erinscafe My mom watches it. I think Mark Harmon sands a boat at the end of every episode. That's what makes the show different from Bones.