I'm going to start adding random tips to foursquare, like "if you say monkey penis they give you a free shot"

A guy my friend is dating just told her "Do you know why I like you so much? Because I can't breathe when I kiss you" #thatwillgetyoulaid

@iliveherebc @littleslav @jdaze78 @upperlowerclass mom of the motherfukkin year pic.twitter.com/qUfrPAvNhu

I love my child, but today I do not like him and will trade him for a fun size snickers

I want to subtweet the fuck out of you right now.

Fuck yeah! Penis face! @littleslav @foolishreporter pic.twitter.com/qkuYD3uD4Q

@upperlowerclass @sealystar @practicetheory I'll just keep my mouth shut ;)

@jdaze78 @littleslav @foolishreporter @upperlowerclass @sealystar you get arrested for that. Learn from me

This guy just freaked out at a spider. I picked it up. Almost ate it just because he's sketch, ya'know let him know idagf

@sealystar whatevers going on, I want in!

Sometimes, you just want someone to understand what you've been saying instead of what they want to hear.

"Can I explain before I get a hellfire missile dropped on my head" #randpaul

@dirty_furby I could have made so many more clever remarks about your box. I fail tonight @notmarciabrady @foolishreporter @brooksbayne

I'll get drunk with my tweeps then get belligerent and embarrass my real life friends

@notmarciabrady @brooksbayne @foolishreporter I had a pig named frances..but then I realized bacon came from pigs, she had to die

Drinking tonight is going to be such a bad idea tomorrow morning.

I'm in a country bar in kent listening to keisha starting at dead animals

Hey SPD, I know you're not using pepper spray so you should give it to me and I'll spray the self entitled whiners. #occupyseattle

Can anyone explain why the 99% is blocking the working 99% from getting to their jobs? #occupyseattle #port

My son is only 3, but I'm terrified at what kind of skank is going to try to rip him away from me.