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Hiding in a bathroom stall. Again. Too scared of customers to come out. Someone slip me a bottle of bourbon please, thanx.
GET OUT OF THE WAY TRAFFIC I HAVE TO GO HOME AND SET FIRE TO THINGS AND THEN SING ABOUT IT AND THEN GIVE MY KIDS PRESENTS #happyhanukkah
It's perfectly normal to be sexually aroused by driving like a fool and going way too fast, right? Uh, asking for a friend.
At work. I wonder what will go horribly wrong today? I got "plague of locusts" in the office pool. It's a long shot but pays 56 to 1.
Just once I want to go to a pizza store and not feel uncontrollable rage at the idiots surrounding me.
ARGH I SPILLED COFFEE IN MY LAP AND NOW MY BALLS ARE FULLY AWAKE AND UNHAPPY ABOUT IT #ow #ow #ow
The best part of being a parent: toy shopping.
OMG IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME MY SUSHI RIGHT NOW I WILL JUMP OVER THE COUNTER AND STICK A CHOPSTICK IN YOUR EYEBALL
WHY IS TWITTER SO FUCKING BORING TONIGHT? COME ON, PEOPLE. IT IS YOUR DUTY TO ENTERTAIN ME. YOUR GOD-EMPEROR COMMANDS IT.
Hey, America. YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE TOUCHPAD EXISTED LAST WEEK. Stop freaking out that every single last one has been sold.
Why does EVERY SINGLE ONE of my shoes have a toy in it? Apparently, the baby thinks my shoes are cereal boxes. She's lucky she's cute.
ARGH RUBBING MY SLEEVE ON THE WALL OF THE BATHROOM STALL GENERATED JUST ENOUGH STATIC ELECTRICITY FOR ME TO ZAP MYSELF IN THE DICK AHHHHHH!
Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face.