You know it's getting cold out when you want to go inside to pee...just to warm your lips up.

Pretty sure the only thing I am good for is carrying around these boobs all day.

Why does everyone want to hold a newborn baby? Don't they know it has vagina cheese all over it.

When he calls you by someone else's name in bed...and all of the sudden you are "role playing"

Why is it always the family members of people you hate that die...never them?

My retarded neighbor comes outside every night around 9:00 and yells for her cat named Carl...yeah this tweet sucks and I have no life.

Personally I think we are all ok...it's all those other weirdos out there without twitter that are messed up.

My boyfriend wants titties with a side of vagina for dinner. I have been in this store for 2 hours, can't find either one of them, SHIT!

Dropped the plug in end of the chord on my toe. I had to murder something...only thing I could find was a tub of cheese spread, so I ate it.

If you're going to put something in someone's ass...I have found it's best to just surprise them.

Why did you have two more kids after the first came out looking like that?