Pepe Le Pew taught me that raping a cat is harder than it looks.

"That's so Raven!" - Edgar Allen Poe

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Which is why I felt so betrayed when the earrings I inherited from Grandma fucked my boyfriend.

Toddlers are required to bring an extra pair of underwear to pre-school. What a bunch of sluts.

I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them and I feel no need to justify that or give my name as testament.

"Veggie Tales combines my love of vegetables with my love of Sunday School!" - No child, ever

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to do crossword puzzles.

“Act your age, not your cup size!” – Me to myself when I’m acting a like a 36 year-old C-word

NuvaRing is like that condom you carry around your wallet in case you get lucky. Except the wallet is your vagina.

Butterflies express sexual interest by spreading feces over their partner’s genitals. I made that up. But butterfly kisses are still stupid.

I’m a lil teapot short and stout. Here is my handle (of vodka) and here is my spout (of tears). When I get all steamed up, kill me.

I'm sorry I'm a little on edge this morning. I didn't sleep well. And I'm on the rag. And I have polio. And overshare.

Dora the Explorer makes me miss Speedy Gonzales and those halcyon days when Spanish only consisted of "Arriba, arriba, andale, andale."

When my boyfriend climaxes, he shouts, "I'm on antidepressants so I can't cum!" Also, I don't have a boyfriend.

#FF’ing people with 10s of 1000s of followers is like offering spare change to Oprah or recommending a little band called The Beatles.

“I sleep around with a lot of man-sluts, but I insist on marrying a virgin.” – No woman, ever

There are 2 kinds of women in this world: Those who choose to be Miss Scarlet in Clue. And those who aren’t whores.

I'm thinking of changing my default picture. My apologies to those of you who jerk off to sloths.

“Fuck you, this is just how I sit.” – An atheist praying mantis

I’m starting a female R&B group called Girlz II Technically Legal Adult Ladiez But Spiritually & Financially Still Children. MEMBERS WANTED!