If you can't say anything nice about anybody, it's because I've glued your mouth shut while you were sleeping.

Bad: Having an annoying song stuck in your head.

Worse: Not knowing which voice inside your head is singing it.

"I'd tap that." - Faucets

"Be still. This is going to hurt." - The truth

If I ever become accidentally pregnant, I'm going to announce the news using the Emergency Broadcast System.

I'm envious of the relationship that peanut butter and jelly have.

Keep your sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I've got bacon, Twitter, and a funny rash that just changed color.

My boyfriend would never get my name tattooed on his body. So instead, I just claw it into his back with my nails.

Some of you may not know this about me but Jack Daniels helps choreograph all my dance moves.

Despite what you may think of her, Snookie is doing a good job at bringing sexy back for all Oompa Loompas.

I've spent the last hour on my treadmill. Don't worry. I didn't do anything like, you know, turn it on.

"We're getting laid!" - Bricks

The closest I'll ever get to having phone sex is when Autocorrect changes a normal word into a naughty word.

If you load the toilet paper roll backwards, you're doing it wrong.

Bucket List item #83: Become magically delicious.

The grocery store was out of Nutella so now the police have me in a straight jacket and are escorting me out of the building.

Bad: You get home and realize you forgot to buy toilet paper.

Worse: Being your cat.

I think those Gingerbread Men are going to occupy that cookie sheet.

I learned everything I needed to know about life by creating a Twitter account and pressing a star button.

If we're talking about technique, then consider me the three-legged dog of dog paddling.