Facebook video chat is a nightmare for the people who have been representing themselves with the one good picture they took 10 years ago.

I can hardly wait until I'm 38 so I can play the head cheerleader in an ABC Family movie about high schoolers.

Ke$ha gets a dollar sign in her name. I gotta find a way to insert a middle finger into mine.

If someone makes eye contact with you while vigorously chewing ice from their drink...IT'S GO TIME (fisticuffs).

If answering questions by reciting movie quotes with perfect comedic timing was an olympic event, I'd be the reigning gold medalist.

I hope I burned a lot of calories putting on workout clothes and then laying back down in bed.

Cocktail is a great movie until you realize it's actually about the guy who invented Bennigan's.

My boyfriend and I are at that point where we are bored and don't really like each other. What we have to do next is obvious: get married.

I love when women say "I haven't had my morning coffee" to excuse the fact that they are batshit crazy.

This job search is not going well. I am beginning to think my resume has AIDS.

I love rappers who diversify their talents. I just bought a bacon-wrapped hot dog from Waka Flocka Flame out of the back of a Chevy Blazer.

He probably watched your sex tape. “@kimkardashian: Mason says "Kiki look I'm doing a yoga pose" UMMM how does he know that?!?!”

If I marry a Mexican, my kid is totally going to have a rattail.

Domino's pizza tracker is so convenient! You can see where your pizza is at from order to cooking to exiting your body via raging diarrhea.

Lil Wayne is a genius. No one else could have turned my 4th grade free writing journal into such amazing rap songs.

If you are a straight man who orders chocolate martinis, I want nothing to do with you.

My body is my temple. A temple where the vodka flows freely and there is a Mexican man making California burritos on the reg.

Kids have it too easy. When I was young, every report was done on something beginning with Aa-Ai because that was the encyclopedia we had.

I wonder if my boss went into his hairdresser and just said "Make me look more like an asshole." or if it just happened that way.

Pro tip: Never decorate the cake after drinking has started. Now it says "Screw Everyone" instead of " Happy Birthday Aunt Suzie"