Death by Wolverine fingerbanging

The thing to unite us all, I've found it.

The fear of Japanese porn

My ambition in life is to smell my own nose

Norton is so over protective. Let my laptop live a little, it's the only way it'll learn

When you really think about it, putting a penis in your butthole is a really weird thing to do.

You can't prove Jesus wasn't a T-Rex

Funny tweets? No, sorry, you want next door for that. I can give you some cat tweets if you're interested? No? Ok, you take care.

Jews, Muslims, can't you just get along and hate pigs together.

My socks can't get divorced because they are inanimate objects. Also they're catholic.

Twitter is like an exclusive club for cat owners, masturbaters and pot smokers.

If you're nasty to me I'll instantly get my period, squirt it like squid ink and run off.

I have itchy boob syndrome

If I was in a tornado I'd be the one shouting

'DINGO ATE MAH BAYBEH!'

Just to add another dimension to the drama

So, I've checked my emails, checked twitter, checked instagram.... So all there is to do now is watch my cat lick herself.

I want my house to be full of baby animals

I swish my pony tail like I have a horses asshole on my head.

I was born to wear purple. If you understand that, you can be my friend

What a beautiful day... To cry in the toilets at work about how much you hate your life.

Sometimes I'll reach down and give them a good old squeeze, because I can.


I'm talking about my testicles

Of course I'm not going to spray deodorant at you while you hold that candle