Boobs are proof that men can focus on two things at once

When a man talks to me about his drama i grab his balls and ask him "what are those?"

It is easier for me to make a point that way

"i did my research" is another way of saying "i'm a stalker"

Everytime i order a 12 inch sandwich from subway i look at the guy with a raised eyebrow and a smirk on my face

I masturbated my way to happiness

With every fart comes a smile

They should make coffee with weed

When men have mommy issues do i get to say "who's your mommy"?

When i scream your name during sex it doesn't have to be a good thing you know!

Just taught my 3 year old niece to say fuck, she says the most adorable "fut" ever! Her mother will kill me but i will die proud

Alcohol, weed and chocolate are my new best buddies! Liver, lungs and ass DEAL WITH IT

Everytime i get a new job and my boss finds that i'm single he/she tries to hook me up! Dont worry I'm not going to sleep with you idiots

I keep breaking promises i made to myself

She thinks i'm a good listener cause i'm nodding my head. But what she doesn't know is that nodding is me stabbing her in my head

Hug? Anyone? I'll rub my boobs against you


Vodka come to mama

They should gave a braless day in every work environment! I guaranty better quality of work.. Men would want to finish in order to stare

My dog is my unpaid therapist! Poor thing must have issues by now

My twitter crush is awesome

I can't look at skittles anymore, i will barf a rainbow!

When i have a headache i'd like to think my brain is having a very intense orgasm