You know the problem with resisting temptation is that you might not ever get a second chance.

I'll try being nicer to you if you try using your common sense.

No matter what you take serious. I'll definitely find a way to make fun of it.

You need to cheer the fuck up for now and enjoy. Because the worst is yet to come.

If I was a border patrol agent I'd capture illegals and take them to my house and have them fix shit.

Twitter: where the last kid picked for kickball has power now.

Last night I tried to kill myself with about 30 bungee cords. I'll have you know I almost died a bunch of times

My life coach just hung himself

I would so kick Elmo in his little muppet balls.

If you don't have dark secrets.
Then you havent lived.

Wtf you waiting for?

During a Muay Thai lesson my son told me dad these hands are also made for loving. I laughed and told him I know one of them will be.

What I'm trying to say to you is.



You need a hug.





Naked of course.

I'd like to get stoned with the pink panther I bet he'd have a lot to say.

You fuckers that tweet follow this guy/girl with 3000 followers with only 281 following back should tell them fuckers to follow instead

Advantage is good.

So take it...

Im craving a milkshake.

And it has nothing to do with your fucking yard!!!

You know what sucks? When you see some good tweets you go to follow and that fucker has 5000 followers and follows back 700. Fuck that

For you girls that are new to blowing a guy.

You're not really inflating him. It's just called a blow job.

If your name is muffy what then do you call your vagina?

I swing my hair back and forth 26 times. Or some shit