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13 - "Dad, all the girls at school are psycho!"
Me - "Oh son, I could say they grow out of it but they don't. Just pick the happiest one."
Baby, if I wanted to talk about feelings I would have picked you up in a Prius.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Honey, I'm just saying that my tweets would be funnier if I had an Ex.
Best advice my Dad ever gave me:
Admit your mistakes but don't tell anyone.
I'm not saying Southerner's are crazy but I dress my kids in orange during deer season.
So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?
Weed is too expensive. The last time I was stoned, I bought a Pizza Hut.
Tons of guys wave at me when I drive my wife's car.
I like being nice. Fuck off!
Son hinted that wearing my NFL jersey doesn't make me athletic and I hinted that its hard to date without a car.
Of course I'll watch your dogs but you should know I own fifty-two tupperware bowls and three lids.
If she slaps you back, she's a keeper.
It's interesting how poor people have more money than me.
Girls have the cutest sayings, like 'hold this' and 'turn left' and 'get that thing away from me' and 'I may never come back'.
What I learned at church today:
Big women love to fan themselves
Paul loved to write letters
I'm not allowed to touch the offering plate :(
If I could give a woman one thing <pause> it would be the ability to sit and think about absolutely nothing.
"Sighing" is too a response. Pfft.
Could y'all let me know if I'm in your gang. Mom's gonna embroider us some hoodies.
Kids just want to be loved. And your time, and a few bucks for stuff, and food. Lots and lots of food. What I'm saying is get a cat.
Just having fun till my boat gets fixed. Inventor of Cheetos soda. Atari world champion.