13 - "Dad, all the girls at school are psycho!"
Me - "Oh son, I could say they grow out of it but they don't. Just pick the happiest one."

Baby, if I wanted to talk about feelings I would have picked you up in a Prius.

Honey, I'm just saying that my tweets would be funnier if I had an Ex.

I'm not saying Southerner's are crazy but I dress my kids in orange during deer season.

Weed is too expensive. The last time I was stoned, I bought a Pizza Hut.

Best advice my Dad ever gave me:

Admit your mistakes but don't tell anyone.

So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?

I like being nice. Fuck off!

Son hinted that wearing my NFL jersey doesn't make me athletic and I hinted that its hard to date without a car.

Tons of guys wave at me when I drive my wife's car.

If she slaps you back, she's a keeper.

It's interesting how poor people have more money than me.

Of course I'll watch your dogs but you should know I own fifty-two tupperware bowls and three lids.

Girls have the cutest sayings, like 'hold this' and 'turn left' and 'get that thing away from me' and 'I may never come back'.

What I learned at church today:
Big women love to fan themselves
Paul loved to write letters
I'm not allowed to touch the offering plate :(

"Sighing" is too a response. Pfft.

If I could give a woman one thing <pause> it would be the ability to sit and think about absolutely nothing.

Can someone remind me who I like and don't like here? Thx.

So, is Sheryl Crow real or not?
I'm so confused :/

Yes, my wife said it was ok to return but don't tell her.