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13 - "Dad, all the girls at school are psycho!"
Me - "Oh son, I could say they grow out of it but they don't. Just pick the happiest one."
Baby, if I wanted to talk about feelings I would have picked you up in a Prius.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Honey, I'm just saying that my tweets would be funnier if I had an Ex.
Best advice my Dad ever gave me:
Admit your mistakes but don't tell anyone.
I'm not saying Southerner's are crazy but I dress my kids in orange during deer season.
So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?
Weed is too expensive. The last time I was stoned, I bought a Pizza Hut.
Tons of guys wave at me when I drive my wife's car.
Son hinted that wearing my NFL jersey doesn't make me athletic and I hinted that its hard to date without a car.
I like being nice. Fuck off!
Of course I'll watch your dogs but you should know I own fifty-two tupperware bowls and three lids.
If she slaps you back, she's a keeper.
Girls have the cutest sayings, like 'hold this' and 'turn left' and 'get that thing away from me' and 'I may never come back'.
What I learned at church today:
Big women love to fan themselves
Paul loved to write letters
I'm not allowed to touch the offering plate :(
It's interesting how poor people have more money than me.
If I could give a woman one thing <pause> it would be the ability to sit and think about absolutely nothing.
"Sighing" is too a response. Pfft.
Could y'all let me know if I'm in your gang. Mom's gonna embroider us some hoodies.
Kids just want to be loved. And your time, and a few bucks for stuff, and food. Lots and lots of food. What I'm saying is get a cat.
Just having fun till my boat gets fixed. Inventor of Cheetos soda. Atari world champion.