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  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    You know what's better than having thousands of followers on Twitter? Sex.

    • 698
    • FAVS
    DBwiddaDBRandyCromwellmrkoodgeeliassen_melEdWolf69psyzodtheDanLawlermelisaalomero
    • 390
    • RETWEETS
    FoursticksDBwiddaDBMrC2daGpsyzodShipInTheKnightLynz_MayxMoonGirlShannonV79
    ButtonsPusher____
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    you can usually tell based on the number of pillows on a woman's bed if she's crazy.

    • 573
    • FAVS
    endremvieeliassen_melDreadloxRastarpsyzodxosmhomeeckwrecklorip33Fernyloveyou
    • 189
    • RETWEETS
    wasteofgoodskinpsyzodhomeeckwrecklorip33Fernyloveyoubreadman13wjsyfnjmannightname13
    Inkdhawaiianchopper4jkinmynewskinHeyitsLori
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    i just did some push-ups. they were actually failed attempts at getting up from the floor, but they count.

    • 533
    • FAVS
    jrb_85DominicStrawnightname13JesseLarejnrbtsnIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavamp
    • 175
    • RETWEETS
    jrb_85JulesC70jnrbtsntheMorganHolmesImmaBeekaSlimFreakinFastaaronupKidBeatnix________
    DeanOkay
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Twitter is scrapbooking for alcoholics.

    • 412
    • FAVS
    Sanwal22Darkest_Angel23BeerforBukowskijosyaltchapmae_hemmjonbzekellsbellyEndocarditisguy
    • 236
    • RETWEETS
    dumpgirlzmae_hemmEndocarditisguyDownFrontArtistapoorvingleitskousshiekallforandreaCaguama40
    chopper4jk_Friday_XIIIStephenBCramer
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    My favorite sex tape is duct.

    • 410
    • FAVS
    MissvalCaMatthewRoy10speaker2codecswelfarehoeSamBK71JustTurk4088_janettejrb_85
    • 147
    • RETWEETS
    welfarehoeMulletEnvy247jrb_85ashlar36helamorimppprettypleasejnrbtsnURaBogart
    the_anastasiaNorthernMagic____
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.

    • 366
    • FAVS
    lorip33FernyloveyouFrancisJGordenbklynmike3jrb_85mobyhumpDominicStrawMissRachaelJoy
    • 146
    • RETWEETS
    bullitt6454lorip33Fernyloveyoubreadman13wjsnightname13jnrbtsnIrura_AImmaBeeka
    rendezbooze______
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    "I want something we can put on people's heads that will signify to the world they are an idiot." -bluetooth inventor.

    • 317
    • FAVS
    FrancisJGordenbklynmike3jrb_85DominicStrawjnrbtsnIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavamp
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    JulesC70jnrbtsnIAmKashWahaaronupT_Dub76BelowZeroSummerMs612DanOnDrugs
    007Rex_Inc
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Whenever I'm looking for my keys I secretly hope I don't find Jesus.

    • 325
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsnIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavampMonaJean84LexiedeadpoolHumanGlowStykcowans_owen
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    IAmKashWahLexiedeadpoolImmaBeekaaaronupMs612Twitmytweetiesjoshimitsu96benerdist
    DickensnycNorthernMagic____
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    If you've never used a twizzler as a straw consider yourself dead to me.

    • 299
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsnMacKoolioIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavampMonaJean84BillyandGinjaaaronup
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    TwitmytweetiesAdrianYoung10jerrymyers1982ohcountryroadspdxjohnny99scottthetwatmarcia_beeJaneycoast
    FreeDriftwood
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Does this microwaved meal make me look single? How about the fact that I had to wash a fork to eat it?

    • 275
    • FAVS
    FrancisJGordenbklynmike3protolaliajnrbtsnMacKoolioIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyHeroineAddict
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    bullitt6454fitty06MissRachaelJoyjnrbtsnIAmKashWahHeroineAddictselenajmittonaaronup
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    I hate when I turn off my computer then remember I haven't masturbated yet.

    • 266
    • FAVS
    CrackedIllusionjrb_85fitty06DominicStrawMissRachaelJoybrianbowman73jnrbtsnIAmKashWah
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    fitty06jnrbtsnmasonic_templeHeroineAddictMonaJean84kateofumbarImmaBeekaurbanrocker
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Liquor store clerk: "That's enough alcohol to kill a person."

    Me: "Lol, a normal person maybe."

    • 236
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsnMacKoolioIAmKashWah1911Fan1fugee37clintgildrunkNnaughtyfavamp
    • 125
    • RETWEETS
    jacobsfriends35drunkNnaughtyQueefTornadoBilll92495674Edie_Is_DeadmsrojacksTwitmytweetiescisco_hermes
    scottthetwat
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    If you're falling, just say fuck it and swan dive that shit.

    • 210
    • FAVS
    420blankmanangelamweberjnrbtsnsierralarsenIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavampvivalasydneyxo_
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    angelamweberIAmKashWahMonaJean84aaronupJenniferPadellaMs612OmarKhyamiamNeuronicism
    leftys_corner
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    You'd think we would be able to charge our phones on the power of a woman's sigh alone by now.

    • 250
    • FAVS
    laurayocomCloeDawnwhrthebrainrotsmoody_moiashlar36MobergMrPrimal_Attitudejnrbtsn
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    benittto8jessikhan_Favstar250whrthebrainrotsbreadman13wjsMobergMrjnrbtsnMonSwanson
    EmeraldSoul_
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    A panic room is just a section of your bathroom floor where you lay in the fetal position and hold yourself while you cry, right?

    • 261
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsnIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavampMonaJean84JenniferPadellamrt1m420blankman
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    MadDamMusicMs612benittto13Favstar250Twitmytweetiesnate_decosteslyoung5sarahplegic
    BelvAndBourb
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    What's that word for when you have too much human social interaction? Homicidal, yeah that's it.

    • 241
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsndrunkNnaughtyfavampMonaJean84JenniferPadellaConorMWalshmrt1mCrackedIllusion
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    Ms612TwitmytweetiesHmSafiyahardnosehighwayKansas_loveGlamorusGRanSieZauroramatraku
    silent_musings
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    I blame alcohol for most of my followers.

    • 245
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsnMacKoolioB0nrMunkyAronMorrisdrunkNnaughtyfavampMonaJean84EarthsChairman
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    drunkNnaughtyJenniferPadellaFaggotSocialistrosemarybreadCrissyFlorenciaTwitmytweetiesAdrianYoung10thisislizz
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    I put on my pants just like everyone else. Only when the doorbell rings.

    • 199
    • FAVS
    TheShakeMeisterMjChanskiHiddleDeeDeeprotolaliatweetJill22jnrbtsnMacKooliosierralarsen
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    bullitt6454MjChanskiHiddleDeeDeejnrbtsnMs612WineyBeach78______teafani_xo__BaileyCram
    not_liberal
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Do not mix with alcohol warnings are just adorable.

    • 188
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsnMacKooliodrunkNnaughtyrednetwork306favampllvvzzMonaJean84_whatever88
    • 118
    • RETWEETS
    djulie1960_whatever88NickyValentineCharsiBhangiJenny4ashleyBitchKittyVMs612Dr_powpow
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    If you love something set it free. Unless it's nachos, never let go of your nachos.

    • 186
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsnbrandywine669IAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyCharmandBrainsatanenhausfavamp_whatever88
    • 117
    • RETWEETS
    favampMaroshia_whatever88VelvetLolalawstafricanQueefTornado420blankmanMs612
    garrettn
@Lamplified

@Lamplified

@Pigeonlov drives me to the liquor store