you can usually tell based on the number of pillows on a woman's bed if she's crazy.

You know what's better than having thousands of followers on Twitter? Sex.

i just did some push-ups. they were actually failed attempts at getting up from the floor, but they count.

Whenever I'm looking for my keys I secretly hope I don't find Jesus.

"I want something we can put on people's heads that will signify to the world they are an idiot." -bluetooth inventor.

My favorite sex tape is duct.

You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.

Twitter is scrapbooking for alcoholics.

What's that word for when you have too much human social interaction? Homicidal, yeah that's it.

If you've never used a twizzler as a straw consider yourself dead to me.

if you're a man wearing a vest i assume your balls are probably somewhere near your missing sleeves.

A panic room is just a section of your bathroom floor where you lay in the fetal position and hold yourself while you cry, right?

Left a shot glass under my pillow and was visited by the hangover fairy.

I'm no magician but somehow I can make half of my socks disappear.

You'd think we would be able to charge our phones on the power of a woman's sigh alone by now.

Judging by the way I take off my pants when I'm drunk you'd think I was in a marching band.

Does this microwaved meal make me look single? How about the fact that I had to wash a fork to eat it?

I hate when I turn off my computer then remember I haven't masturbated yet.

I blame alcohol for most of my followers.

If Christians would have made nachos the body and blood of Christ I would have been all over that shit.