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  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    You know what's better than having thousands of followers on Twitter? Sex.

    • 706
    • FAVS
    CubanB1987BamKnoxxbabygurl007xLeaflea333VegasGalMaryMiniwheats2012DrizzlyyyRambleOfaReefer
    • 393
    • RETWEETS
    xbabygurl007xVegasGalMaryMiniwheats2012svcmngrDrizzlyyyBekkieBeegambler1000RambleOfaReefer
    ButtonsPusher____
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    you can usually tell based on the number of pillows on a woman's bed if she's crazy.

    • 578
    • FAVS
    CubanB1987BamKnoxTw1tter_K1ttenlovealwayslacyMiniwheats2012laces_goldeliassen_melDreadloxRastar
    • 191
    • RETWEETS
    Miniwheats2012RambleOfaReeferwasteofgoodskinpsyzodhomeeckwrecklorip33Fernyloveyoubreadman13wjs
    Inkdhawaiianchopper4jkinmynewskinHeyitsLori
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    i just did some push-ups. they were actually failed attempts at getting up from the floor, but they count.

    • 539
    • FAVS
    DearAbbySimonptoups78CubanB1987Tw1tter_K1ttenVegasGalMaryMiniwheats2012jrb_85DominicStraw
    • 177
    • RETWEETS
    DearAbbySimonMiniwheats2012jrb_85JulesC70jnrbtsn__________theMorganHolmestumblrtxtpstsSlimFreakinFast
    DeanOkay
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Twitter is scrapbooking for alcoholics.

    • 417
    • FAVS
    DearAbbySimonBamKnoxlovealwayslacyxbabygurl007xMiniwheats2012Sanwal22his_soft_stormBeerforBukowski
    • 237
    • RETWEETS
    xbabygurl007xMiniwheats2012dumpgirlzmae_hemmEndocarditisguyDownFrontArtistapoorvingleitskousshiek
    chopper4jk_Friday_XIIIStephenBCramer
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    My favorite sex tape is duct.

    • 424
    • FAVS
    smokeymccheefocarriebas111officersexxxyrldavis1969westcoastphinzBitterBeerFace9CraftBeerTartJenniferPadella
    • 155
    • RETWEETS
    BitterBeerFace9The_GetawayGirlJenniferPadellaGetongaclosefarhereWayne_Bruce_Nahdude83Miniwheats2012
    the_anastasiaNorthernMagic____
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.

    • 371
    • FAVS
    JenniferPadellaDearAbbySimonbeatricemugCubanB1987Miniwheats2012lorip33FernyloveyouFrancisJGorden
    • 148
    • RETWEETS
    JenniferPadellaMiniwheats2012bullitt6454lorip33Fernyloveyoubreadman13wjsnightname13______jnrbtsn__________
    rendezbooze______
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    "I want something we can put on people's heads that will signify to the world they are an idiot." -bluetooth inventor.

    • 317
    • FAVS
    FrancisJGordenbklynmike3jrb_85DominicStrawjnrbtsn__________IAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavamp__
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    JulesC70jnrbtsn__________IAmKashWahaaronupT_Dub76BelowZeroSummerMs612__DanOnDrugs
    007Rex_Inc
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Whenever I'm looking for my keys I secretly hope I don't find Jesus.

    • 325
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsn__________IAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavamp__MonaJean84LexiedeadpoolHumanGlowStykcowans_owen
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    IAmKashWahLexiedeadpooltumblrtxtpstsaaronupMs612__Twitmytweetiesjoshimitsu96benerdist
    DickensnycNorthernMagic____
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    If you've never used a twizzler as a straw consider yourself dead to me.

    • 300
    • FAVS
    DearAbbySimonjnrbtsn__________MacKoolioIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavamp__MonaJean84BillyandGinja
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    TwitmytweetiesAdrianYoung10jerrymyers1982ohcountryroadspdxjohnny99scottthetwat______marcia_beeJaneycoast
    FreeDriftwood
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Does this microwaved meal make me look single? How about the fact that I had to wash a fork to eat it?

    • 276
    • FAVS
    DearAbbySimonFrancisJGordenbklynmike3protolaliajnrbtsn__________MacKoolioIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughty
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    bullitt6454fitty06MissRachaelJoyjnrbtsn__________IAmKashWahHeroineAddictselenajmittonaaronup
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    I hate when I turn off my computer then remember I haven't masturbated yet.

    • 267
    • FAVS
    JenniferPadellaCrackedIllusionjrb_85fitty06DominicStrawMissRachaelJoybrianbowman73jnrbtsn__________
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    RambleOfaReeferfitty06jnrbtsn__________masonic_templeHeroineAddictMonaJean84kateofumbartumblrtxtpsts
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Liquor store clerk: "That's enough alcohol to kill a person."

    Me: "Lol, a normal person maybe."

    • 236
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsn__________MacKoolioIAmKashWah1911Fan1fugee37clintgildrunkNnaughtyfavamp__
    • 125
    • RETWEETS
    jacobsfriends35drunkNnaughtyQueefTornadoBilll92495674Edie_Is_DeadmsrojacksTwitmytweetiescisco_hermes
    scottthetwat______
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    If you're falling, just say fuck it and swan dive that shit.

    • 211
    • FAVS
    RambleOfaReefer420blankmanangelamweberjnrbtsn__________sierralarsenIAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavamp__
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    angelamweberIAmKashWahMonaJean84aaronupJenniferPadellaMs612__OmarKhyamiamNeuronicism
    leftys_corner
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    You'd think we would be able to charge our phones on the power of a woman's sigh alone by now.

    • 250
    • FAVS
    laurayocomCloeDawnwhrthebrainrots__moody_moiashlar36MobergMrPrimal_Attitudejnrbtsn__________
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    benittto8lordeandsaviorFavstar250whrthebrainrots__breadman13wjsMobergMrjnrbtsn__________MonSwanson
    SapientDreamer
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    A panic room is just a section of your bathroom floor where you lay in the fetal position and hold yourself while you cry, right?

    • 261
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsn__________IAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyfavamp__MonaJean84JenniferPadellamrt1m420blankman
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    MadDamMusicMs612__benittto13Favstar250Twitmytweetiesnate_decosteslyoung5sarahplegic
    BelvAndBourb
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    What's that word for when you have too much human social interaction? Homicidal, yeah that's it.

    • 241
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsn__________drunkNnaughtyfavamp__MonaJean84JenniferPadellaConorMWalshmrt1mCrackedIllusion
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    Ms612__TwitmytweetiesHmSafiyahardnosehighwayKansas_loveGlamorusGRanSieZauroramatraku
    silent_musings
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    I blame alcohol for most of my followers.

    • 245
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsn__________MacKoolioB0nrMunkyAronMorrisdrunkNnaughtyfavamp__MonaJean84EarthsChairman____
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    drunkNnaughtyJenniferPadellaTerraNotBrownrosemarybreadCrissyFlorenciaTwitmytweetiesAdrianYoung10thisislizz
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    Do not mix with alcohol warnings are just adorable.

    • 194
    • FAVS
    MVamptressGetongahazelmotes1SleazeMasterFrameworkAutocoChrissiPerrouxopenchakraNahdude83
    • 119
    • RETWEETS
    MVamptressGetongaNahdude83djulie1960_whatever88______NickyValentineCharsiBhangiJenny4ashley
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    I put on my pants just like everyone else. Only when the doorbell rings.

    • 199
    • FAVS
    TheShakeMeisterMjChanskiHiddleDeeDeeprotolaliatweetJill22jnrbtsn__________MacKooliosierralarsen
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    bullitt6454MjChanskiHiddleDeeDeejnrbtsn__________Ms612__WineyBeach78______teafani_xo__BaileyCram
    not_liberal
  • Lamplified
      failure @Lamplified

    If you love something set it free. Unless it's nachos, never let go of your nachos.

    • 186
    • FAVS
    jnrbtsn__________brandywine669IAmKashWahdrunkNnaughtyCharmandBrainsatanenhausfavamp___whatever88______
    • 117
    • RETWEETS
    favamp__Maroshia_whatever88______VelvetLolalawstafricanQueefTornado420blankmanMs612__
    garrettn
@Lamplified

@Lamplified

@Pigeonlov drives me to the liquor store