Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
you can usually tell based on the number of pillows on a woman's bed if she's crazy.
You know what's better than having thousands of followers on Twitter? Sex.
i just did some push-ups. they were actually failed attempts at getting up from the floor, but they count.
Twitter is scrapbooking for alcoholics.
You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Whenever I'm looking for my keys I secretly hope I don't find Jesus.
"I want something we can put on people's heads that will signify to the world they are an idiot." -bluetooth inventor.
My favorite sex tape is duct.
If you've never used a twizzler as a straw consider yourself dead to me.
A panic room is just a section of your bathroom floor where you lay in the fetal position and hold yourself while you cry, right?
if you're a man wearing a vest i assume your balls are probably somewhere near your missing sleeves.
What's that word for when you have too much human social interaction? Homicidal, yeah that's it.
I hate when I turn off my computer then remember I haven't masturbated yet.
Does this microwaved meal make me look single? How about the fact that I had to wash a fork to eat it?
Left a shot glass under my pillow and was visited by the hangover fairy.
I'm no magician but somehow I can make half of my socks disappear.
Judging by the way I take off my pants when I'm drunk you'd think I was in a marching band.
You'd think we would be able to charge our phones on the power of a woman's sigh alone by now.
I blame alcohol for most of my followers.
I put on my pants just like everyone else. Only when the doorbell rings.