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You know what's better than having thousands of followers on Twitter? Sex.
you can usually tell based on the number of pillows on a woman's bed if she's crazy.
i just did some push-ups. they were actually failed attempts at getting up from the floor, but they count.
Twitter is scrapbooking for alcoholics.
My favorite sex tape is duct.
You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
"I want something we can put on people's heads that will signify to the world they are an idiot." -bluetooth inventor.
Whenever I'm looking for my keys I secretly hope I don't find Jesus.
If you've never used a twizzler as a straw consider yourself dead to me.
Does this microwaved meal make me look single? How about the fact that I had to wash a fork to eat it?
I hate when I turn off my computer then remember I haven't masturbated yet.
Liquor store clerk: "That's enough alcohol to kill a person."
Me: "Lol, a normal person maybe."
If you're falling, just say fuck it and swan dive that shit.
You'd think we would be able to charge our phones on the power of a woman's sigh alone by now.
A panic room is just a section of your bathroom floor where you lay in the fetal position and hold yourself while you cry, right?
What's that word for when you have too much human social interaction? Homicidal, yeah that's it.
I blame alcohol for most of my followers.
I put on my pants just like everyone else. Only when the doorbell rings.
Do not mix with alcohol warnings are just adorable.
If you love something set it free. Unless it's nachos, never let go of your nachos.