Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about dancing in the rain.

I like you best when you're really weird. I like you always.

Just want to give a big shout out/thank you to everyone I follow. Your @donni retweets are HILARIOUS!

Someone just got shot down the street with an AK, apparently today was not a good day.

Whilst some people like to do random acts of kindness, I prefer to do random acts of social awkwardness.

Just saw a spider and screamed like a woman! In my defense, I am a woman. And it did have a knife.

Whenever I see a random pair of discarded shoes I just figure a hooker got vaporized

And yet here comes the night, my favorite part of the day.

i want to watch you burn

Tried unsuccessfully to make that fancy heart thing with the creamer on my coffee this morning. Made a pretty good swirlymajig though.

All the girls I've ever dated always ended up just like my groceries, inside plastic bags in the trunk of my car.

I'm beginning to suspect happy people don't realize how stabby they make the rest of us feel.

"I want to know what love is. I want you to blow me..."
That's how that song should go.

my rage will never go away, you just have to entertain it if you don't want to get stabbed

To me, two people arguing in a foreign language, are arguing about who can talk faster in a foreign language.

Nothing brings me greater pleasure than watching a loving couple crash their tandem bike.

Speaking multiple languages does not automatically make you intelligent, it just means more people can understand that you're an idiot

I used to be a nice guy but then I sat on my balls. Now I hate everyone.

Environmental boredom is a hard illness to cure.

For someone who purposely sabotages anything that's going good, you sure seem fucking surprised you're so depressed.