People who say 'there's something going around' should elaborate. Is it an ice cream truck? Serial killer? What?

A sweet little old man just told me I'm 'as pretty as one of those Kardashian sisters.' Who wants to help me bury a body in my backyard?

My vision board just has 2 Gummi Bears and a ten dollar bill taped to it.

Upping the ante on all the ladies who draw their eyebrows on by keeping my real eyebrows AND drawing on a second pair. I win!

I wonder what kind of yoga mat Davy Crockett used.

To the lady on the bus clucking softly like a chicken: you have my full attention.

Could someone please make a car seat for cake instead of babies.

Just had to turn my music down to properly smell something. Hey brain, let's work on those multi-tasking skills buddy.

Each year on our birthday our body should announce what's to come: "Version 26.0 - now allergic to polyester and prone to random polyps!"

Unless I was playing Kenny G's 'Songbird' on the accordion for my Precious Moments figurines don't you dare say I died doing what I loved.

Long after the denouement of a frat boy's recap of hilarious drunken weekend antics, I like to keep asking "...and then what happened?"

Just found out Tim Tebow is NOT a cartoon dog detective.

I just did ten lunges! (Fell down the stairs.)

Heading to Texas. Heard they shoot vegetarians there so I guess this is goodbye.

Got a nod & a wink from a 90 year old in a full-length leopard skin coat. Does this mean I win the scavenger hunt.

I hope I don't have to accept any more awards today.

This morning I woke up looking like every 'Before' picture ever taken.

I killed a spider with my bare hands**!!

**Can of hairspray, matches, toilet plunger & 3 shoes.

The turtleneck industry is responsible for about 50% of unplanned virginities.

I use turn signals even when driving alone on a deserted road, if anyone needs a wild & zany dinner guest (I'll need 2 months notice please)