Did you know that you can sit on the couch eating Chili & Cheese Fritos and just shake a pedometer to make it read that you walked 5 miles?

The only thing that I learned from Facebook is that my initial reaction of not liking those people in high school was spot on.

Wouldn't it be cool if they demonstrated someone having all the possible side effects of meds in their commercials?

I wish I had a twin sister so I could try out unique haircut ideas on her first.

"Exfoliating Body wash" is just a fancy way of saying, "We put sandpaper in the soap."

Exactly how many "fun size" candy bars can you eat before it's not considered fun, but massive consumption of chocolate?

Twitter step 1:sign up. 2:follow celebs. 3:think "wow they're boring". 4:follow regular ppl. 5:laugh ur ass off. 6:unfollow celebs.

Me: I need a job where I can just sit around and bitch all day. Hub: you've got one, it's called "wife".

The only song my husband ever sang the correct words to was the theme from Batman.

Remember ladies: If you marry a man for his intelligence, you eliminate about 95% of shit you can get away with.

Twintermission: (n) The span of time between hitting "send" and thinking of a better wording for your last sent tweet.

I wish I had as much time to tweet as folks who have jobs do.

You know when you wake up feeling happy, clear-headed, healthy, and full of energy? Yeah, me neither.

Before getting married decide if you can live with their most annoying habit if it were performed 24/7. Because it WILL BE.

A robin swooped by and the resulting turbulence flipped 3 smart cars.

The closer you ride my bumper, the more often I'm gonna stop to wait for my imaginary friends to cross the road.

90% of my decision making is based on what's on TV that night.

Hub: I'm scared for you to take the trash to the dump...they might keep you. Me: Okay, 2 points for that one.

Dear Reporters: It's only actually "news" the first time you report it. The 14th time, it's considered chanting.

I got a flip phone specifically so I can dramatically slam it shut when someone pisses me off.