Some people work so hard on creating an image of themselves in an attempt to get to exactly what the opposite of that image is.

ID cards with retina scans to prevent identity theft just means if your wallet's stolen you will need new eyeballs and a finger transplant

I wish my life had a button that refreshes regrets.

My inferiority complex is not that good.

Men think about sex once every 6 seconds; except when they're having sex.

I always find myself writing children's short stories; not on purpose.

Giraffes are just horses having fun with a costume and a periscope.

how long would you have to be lying dead before your cat gave a shit?

By the end of the mass brainwash, you prefer a long applause?
The clapper will always suffer, unless he learns how to clap like a dwarf.

A liver surgeon is the saint of Twitter.

Do snowmen smell carrots?

If you're a kid you're not allowed to be bored.

"They stick flu into our system to help combat the flu right?" -
Fat girl rationalizing before eating the whole cake.

Duty free prices are only cheaper if you're planning on spending the rest of your life on an airplane.

I thought of raising a cat but then got scared. He'll age quickly and become my age; then we'll be confused about who will raise who.

The best part of a happy meal to eat is the toy.

I can't prove that the past exists, but
if I met you in a desert, I will show you
dry sad and shallow holes;
the wounds of my past.

I go to the opera to find love. And I always leave alone; but happy, coz I know I will have to go back to the opera again; to find love.

what you care what the weather will be like; you look shit in all your clothes anyway.

When you are on the edge don't be scared. Someone will appear to catch you at the last second; or you'll discover that you can fly.