Homosexuality is found in 450+ species. Homophobia is found in only one.
Which one seems unnatural now?

Women's breasts are like martinis, one isn't enough and three are too many.

If lesbians both throw scissors when playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' everyone wins!

Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it? It turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

Facebook is for friends that are now strangers. Twitter is for strangers that should be your friends.

I'm almost positive that if Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.

Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut down trees, make paper from it and then write, "SAVE TREES" on it.

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 a simple retweet, might save someone's life.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, someone please clear my search history. Thanks.

I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary.

I like sleeping; it's like being dead without the commitment.

There is zero difference between my wife's mating call and the sound she makes burning herself on the stove.

Yeah, I just drank Taco Bell nacho cheese straight from the little cup like doing a shot at a bar.
THAT'S how I roll.

The solution to a bad hair day is a low-cut shirt.

There are only two rules for success:
1. Never tell everything you know.
2.

Lately my workout mainly consists of exercising poor judgment.

Snickers satisfies. But so does a nice rectal scratch.

When I text someone and they don't text me back, I assume they died from excitement.

The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I'm going to pay with.