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Women's breasts are like martinis, one isn't enough and three are too many.
Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it? It turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.
If lesbians both throw scissors when playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' everyone wins!
Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut down trees, make paper from it and then write, "SAVE TREES" on it.
Facebook is for friends that are now strangers. Twitter is for strangers that should be your friends.
I'm almost positive that if Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.
I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary.
I like sleeping; it's like being dead without the commitment.
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 a simple retweet, might save someone's life.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, someone please clear my search history. Thanks.
Yeah, I just drank Taco Bell nacho cheese straight from the little cup like doing a shot at a bar.
THAT'S how I roll.
There is zero difference between my wife's mating call and the sound she makes burning herself on the stove.
The solution to a bad hair day is a low-cut shirt.
There are only two rules for success:
1. Never tell everything you know.
When I text someone and they don't text me back, I assume they died from excitement.
Lately my workout mainly consists of exercising poor judgment.
Snickers satisfies. But so does a nice rectal scratch.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I'm going to pay with.
My biological clock sounds a lot like a foghorn and I have a black belt in crying.
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