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New Olympic event: Cats Chasing, Killing & Eatings Moths. My cat is highly* qualified.
*for the Special Olympics version of the event.
If I don't survive this cab ride, I'm donating my Lisa Frank collection to the Internet. #CHSH
Beets are the most exciting thing ever to happen to bowel movements.
"You're driving like an asshole! Dick!" #scholvinrants #lauralizcurranrants #CHSH
Welp, it's five o'clock--time to drown my sorrows. It's not drinking alone if you sit near a cat, right?
You haven't really lived until you've pulled your cat away by the nape of his neck from a fresh bunny kill.
About to take a test to determine my strengths. I anticipate they will be drinking beer, procrastination, and passive-agressivity.
Responsibility is resisting the urge to drunkenly text three old crushes late at night, right? I'm so responsible right now, you guys.
I was mistaken when I said I was going to drown my sorrows in wine. I meant gin. Drowning my sorrows in all of the gin. **Rookie Mistake**
I am an adult. An adult who happens to enjoy licking the beaters after they've been used to mix a cake. But an adult nonetheless.
These bus seats smell like hepatitis and sort of remind me of Jazzercise.
"This beer tastes like god-damned percolated piss." #scholvinrants #scholvin
Shit. I took the signs off the pillows! WHICH IS SOFT AND WHICH IS FIRM?? HOW DO I TELL THE DIFFERENCE? FUUUUUUU... #CHSH
It's not a night on the town until the Elvis impersonator shows up. #chsh #karaoke
Today, I'll accept my diploma. After five years. With a visible bar stamp on each hand. Just as God intended.
Based on the populants of this party in order to be a part of the English masters program, you need unique glasses and a pretentious persona
What if Guy Fawkes had survived, only to die of Alzheimers?
Sometimes I write funny things. Not often though. Don't get your hopes up.