"Goddamn I have glorious tits. And a tiny, tiny penis." @mikemorrow #chsh

New Olympic event: Cats Chasing, Killing & Eatings Moths. My cat is highly* qualified.

*for the Special Olympics version of the event.

If I don't survive this cab ride, I'm donating my Lisa Frank collection to the Internet. #CHSH

Beets are the most exciting thing ever to happen to bowel movements.

"You're driving like an asshole! Dick!" #scholvinrants #lauralizcurranrants #CHSH

Welp, it's five o'clock--time to drown my sorrows. It's not drinking alone if you sit near a cat, right?

You haven't really lived until you've pulled your cat away by the nape of his neck from a fresh bunny kill.

About to take a test to determine my strengths. I anticipate they will be drinking beer, procrastination, and passive-agressivity.

Responsibility is resisting the urge to drunkenly text three old crushes late at night, right? I'm so responsible right now, you guys.

I was mistaken when I said I was going to drown my sorrows in wine. I meant gin. Drowning my sorrows in all of the gin. **Rookie Mistake**

I am an adult. An adult who happens to enjoy licking the beaters after they've been used to mix a cake. But an adult nonetheless.

These bus seats smell like hepatitis and sort of remind me of Jazzercise.

"This beer tastes like god-damned percolated piss." #scholvinrants #scholvin

Shit. I took the signs off the pillows! WHICH IS SOFT AND WHICH IS FIRM?? HOW DO I TELL THE DIFFERENCE? FUUUUUUU... #CHSH

It's not a night on the town until the Elvis impersonator shows up. #chsh #karaoke

@ronbailey Ugh, at least you had a taste of it...

@mikemorrow No, YOU'RE pathetic. No, these aren't tears, I just have something in my eye.

Today, I'll accept my diploma. After five years. With a visible bar stamp on each hand. Just as God intended.

Based on the populants of this party in order to be a part of the English masters program, you need unique glasses and a pretentious persona

What if Guy Fawkes had survived, only to die of Alzheimers?